Worrying... over Wyatt as he continued with an asthma flare up following a cold. His peak flow numbers dipped and rose, dipped and rose, my worry rising and falling with each set of numbers.
Missing... the baseball parade Saturday and a coffee date and countless baseball games and MOPS and more school days for Wyatt than I can count because of his sickness. We spent lots of time snuggled up together on the couch, reading and watching TV, him doing breathing treatments with the nebulizer and trying so hard to get better.
Taking... him to the emergency room Tuesday night when his numbers dropped 40 points in a little over an hour at bedtime. He told me it felt like his throat was closing and we did his peak flow, only to discover what had been a 215 was now a 175. I called the advice nurse and she had me count his breaths (something I often do to see how he is doing while he sleeps) and while he usually falls within normal ranges (12-20 breaths per minute) he was breathing 36 breaths per minute. So off we went to the ER. We had finished the steroids from his doctor the day before, and it turns out some kids need a slow taper from steroids and Wyatt is one of those.
In the ER they gave him a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia cause he was wheezing and sounded a bit crackly on the left. Luckily his x-ray was clear. They also gave him a nebulizer treatment and a prescription for more steroids with an incredibly slow taper: 10ml's 2x a day for 2 days, 8ml's 2x a day for 2 days, 6 ml's 2x a day for 2 days, 4 ml's 2x a day for 2 days and finally 2 ml's 2x a day for 2 days. We then followed up with Wyatt's doctor the next morning to make sure his vitals (mainly his oxygen and his lungs) were better (they were), and we scheduled another follow up for closer to the end of his taper next week.
Thankfully by the end of this week he is better, with less coughing and good peak flow numbers, but it's hard for me to rest, knowing how quickly things can turn bad again, and also knowing that things can get worse when he ends the steroids again. Hopefully the taper will make the difference!
Emotionally... feeling like total garbage. Anxiety is such a roller coaster. I woke up most days this week feeling like I'd been in a car accident. Shaking, with adrenaline pumping through my veins, like my arms wanted to levitate into the air. My reaction to everything feels like it's under a magnifying glass and I am constantly having to talk myself down. It's exhausting. I did a much better job eating well this week, and I think that helped as much as it could (and I lost three pounds this week!), plus I squeezed in a couple work outs, which is also supposed to help with anxiety. Not to mention the Prozac, which hit two weeks on Thursday. I know it just takes time, but it's hard not to feel impatient when you feel this awful. I just feel scared and on edge all the time!
Seeing... my counselor for the second time. I brought Wyatt with me, along with a tablet and some headphones because I knew I couldn't afford to miss it. Thank goodness for my friend Kara who is willing to have Carly every time even though she cries every time I drop her off. She's always fine once I leave, but she's never very happy at the idea of being left. My counselor and I talked about a lot of things I am hoping to write a post about here soon.
Feeling... Wyatt's feelings right alongside him as he dealt with being told no about doing certain things (jumping on the trampoline, going to his baseball games, attending the baseball parade, riding his bike, playing outside... the list goes on) as he recovered from his asthma. The steroids make all his emotions a little bigger than they'd usually be, so almost everyday we'd spend a little time on the couch crying together. Luckily Wyatt's really emotionally mature, so he understands that crying gets the bad feelings out and after a good cry we feel better.
Having... guilty feelings as Jack bombed a spelling test we forgot to give him pretests for. Normally he only misses one or two words. This week he only got half the words right. And it's totally not his fault. Sigh. There's only so much of me to go around, and this week, I was 100% devoted to Wyatt.
Making... it to book club this week, which was such a happy thing. I needed that time out, with other adults, away from my responsibilities, talking and laughing. Those ladies are a lifeline, and I am so, so grateful for them.
Helping... Logan find better ways of dealing with his anger (which currently include clenching his fists, swearing, flipping off his brother, back talking, tantruming and hitting). We made a list of more appropriate ways to manage his angry feelings and so far it seems to be working. The main one that seems to have struck a chord (surprisingly to me) is keeping a journal. I let him choose a special pen and notebook and when he's angry and writes down his feelings in there. I think he's been surprised to find that often there are other feelings under the anger. It has led to some really good conversations between us, and some self awareness for Logan that will go a long way.
Loving... how snuggly and attached me to me Carly has been lately. She's always saying, "Mama, I want a snuggle." I love it so much.
Thankful... for Josh. For how he can calm me down when I am worrying and how he loves me so hard. He's an amazing husband and father, a crazy-hard worker and awesome provider. For eighteen years I've had him by my side, and I'm just so blessed by him. He knows me so well, he even ordered me poetry books from his school book order! I was so surprised when he brought them home for me!
There's no one else I'd rather take this crazy journey with, that's for sure. I love you, babe.
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