4th of July

Tailgatin'

{Wyatt, Milo, Logan, Ferris, Jack}

 Summer 2013

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{Wyatt, Ferris, Jack, Milo, Logan}

Summer 2014

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{Ferris, Jack, Milo, Logan, Wyatt}

Summer 2015

Grandma's Garden

I've had quite a few people reach out to me, sharing their stories, their strength and their bravery, and I am so grateful.  When it comes to the future, I am scared.  I am nervous.  I am doubting my ability to raise these three boys well without the constant presence of their father.  But everyone keeps telling me I can do it; reminding me of my strength and encouraging me to be brave.  I did it before, and I can do it again.

This quote is my new favorite for when I think of life four weeks from now:

"So, here I am telling you to HANG IN THERE!

You can do this-- whatever it is you are going through.

Even if you can't control your situation, you can control your thoughts,

your actions, your smiles, your laughter, and how you deal with your trials."

-Stephanie Nielson

Being apart may not be the best situation, but I can make the best of the situation.  I have our homeschool curriculum ordered, plans already in place to start chore charts and allowance for the kids, as well as high hopes for Josh's many trips home.

I should find out what we're having in September (eek!), which will give me something to look forward to.  And I have made the decision to stay with my in-laws instead of finding our own place. A big backyard for the boys to play in was tempting, but when they all got sick yesterday, and I saw what a nightmare dealing with that by myself would be, I felt instantly humbled and grateful that they would be willing to let us stay.  I prayed a lot about the decision, balancing the idea of our own space with what the kids will need, and the answer came loud and clear last night.  While navigating relationships and sharing space is not easy, those boys are going to need all the loving they can get, and you just can't beat a grandma's love.  Josh's mom was overjoyed at our decision to stay, and we are both looking forward to the fall, when we can settle into a routine after the chaos of summer.

We had our first prenatal appointment today, and got to hear Babyham's heartbeat.  What a sweet sound that is.  I am twelve weeks now which is exciting, and we found out that my c-section will most likely be scheduled for 39 weeks.  I was glad to nail that down so that Josh can schedule his flight home and (fingers crossed!) not miss it!  I will have a third c-section because after one failed VBAC I am once burned, twice shy!

All in all I am doing well.  I know that it will be hard (so hard) when Josh is in Alaska.  I will miss him... the boys will miss him... he will miss us...  But I also know that we can do hard things.  And if this is what it takes to get Baby #4 here safely, then I am willing to do it. 

"May your choices reflect your hopes,

not your fears."

-Nelson Mandela

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{Photos courtesy of Carol's garden}

How I'm Doing

Whew. Well, it's been a while. I always know my brain is too full or my heart too emotional when I don't blog regularly.  Right now it's a bit of both.

The pregnancy is moving right along. This weekend will be twelve weeks.  I am so darn anxious to hit the second trimester, and to hear the baby's heartbeat again at my appointment next week.  I'm ready for some peace of mind.

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One month from now, Josh will be leaving Washington.  The rest of us will not.  The boys and I will stay behind this school year.  While this breaks my heart (I hate the idea of our family being apart) I know it's what is best for both the boys and myself.  For the boys, being in town means extracurricular activities to enhance their homeschool experience; the chance to be in swim lesson and on t-ball teams; and the opportunity to be around their extended family.  For myself and Babyham #4, being in town means a safe pregnancy, near medical clinics & hospitals, as well as the support of my friends & family.  Between my anxiety, my depression and the miscarriages last year, I just don't think I can face another winter in rural Alaska.  

I will miss Josh incredibly while he's in the village, but he plans to come home to visit often and we're hopeful it will just be this one year spent apart.  

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We are currently staying with my in laws, although we've looked at a few places to rent, hoping to find somewhere with a big backyard.  I'm just praying God places us exactly where He thinks we should be, and am trusting the journey in the meantime.

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I am emotional (see above about raising our three boys without Josh for nine months while I grow this baby) and cry at the drop of a hat.  Songs on the radio, commercials on TV, stories about my nephew and his humongous, tender heart... All of it makes me cry.  At camping last week, I cried because I forgot our boys' baseball gloves.  

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I have been struggling with the concept of hope the last few weeks. I know that being superstitious won't make the baby stick.  I know that, truly I do, but I still find myself not wanting to do certain things for fear that I will end up miscarrying.  For instance, I haven't bought a single thing for this baby. Not one. I haven't even bought a Pregnancy Journal, and for those who know me, this is unheard of.  

My sister, bless her heart, bought me a footy pajama to hang in my room, so I do have one item for this little babe. It brings me such joy each day to wake up and see it.  It's like I think if I don't buy things for the baby, or jot down notes about the pregnancy in a Pregnancy Journal, then I won't be upset when if I lose it.  (See, I even typed "when" I lose it, not "if".)  But we both know that whether I have a nursery set up or not, my heart will be decimated.  It must be some kind of maternal heart protection.  Maybe once I get out of the danger zone I will venture into the newborn section & pick out some onesies.

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In the meantime, I grateful for every day that I get to carry this baby in my body.  Even if the pregnancy doesn't end with a healthy baby, this pregnancy has been a miracle, every day that it's lasted.  And that is not lost on me.

First Trimester

Thank you all, so much, for your kind words, your prayers and your excitement about baby #4.  We are all very excited as well.  (Even Wyatt has come around and says a baby would be alright, as long as it's a boy.)  The twins can't wait to help with the baby and I am just praying to make it through the first trimester.  (I'll be eleven weeks tomorrow.)

One day at a time. 

I'm taking the crazy nausea I've been suffering as a good sign (Josh got me Preggy Pops yesterday and I'm praying I find relief from them) and I'm hopeful it continues if it means I'm not going to lose this one as well.

Everyone has been asking if I'm hoping for a girl.  The truth is, yes, I'd love a daughter.  But I also think there's something special about being a "boy mom" and four boys, while a handful, would be kind of neat.

I promise to keep you all posted as the pregnancy progresses. 

Here's to a healthy baby!

Our family is growing...

These boys are going to be big brothers...

Baby #4 has a beautiful little heartbeat 

and is expected to join us January 2016. 

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The River

The river is our favorite place to be on hot days...
and since we got to Washington, it's been day after day of glorious sunshine.

We especially love when we can go there with some of our favorite people.  

{Cousins Ferris}

{Cousin Milo}

{They were panning for gold!}

{Could these two be cuter?!?}

{Love their team work}

{My sister Roxanne & her youngest Milo}

{Love that boy & his mama!}

The feeling of the sun warming my freckled skin while I read a good book beside the Washougal River is one I pull up from my memory many times during the long, dark winters in Alaska.  The river and I were overjoyed to be reunited!

Turns out Jack is brave like his mother.

We both love catching crawdads.

They made Milo a "pool".  He was tickled.

I swam out to "the rock" this particular day and the boys were so adorable, cheering and counting down my jump.  I stood there feeling so proud to be their mama.

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My boys-- I love the river so much, and I love sharing that love with them.  They are all three fish, and it is so fun to watch them swim, collect rocks and jump off "the rock" just like I did as a child.

And these two, that share my love of the river? I love being there with them, too! (My mom also loves the river, but she wasn't here this day!)

{Jack, Ferris, Milo, Wyatt & Logan}

"The tans will fade,

but the memories will last forever."

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