"Don't let your eyes get used to darkness.
The light is coming soon.
Don't let your heart get used to sadness.
Put your hope in what is true.
No matter how the wind may blow,
it cannot shake the sun.
Lay your sorrows on the ground,
it's time to come back home.
When the future seems uncertain,
like the coming of a storm,
Your loving Father carries His children
when they can't walk anymore.
No matter how the wind may blow,
it cannot shake the sun.
Lay your sorrows on the ground,
it's time to come back home."
-JJ Heller
This song has been a source of hope to me for many months. I put it on when I am feeling quite hopeless and alone. I listened every day on the way to work when I first lost my sidekick Lisa D. I needed the comfort the words provided. Particularly being carried when I can't walk anymore.
I listened today because it's Sunday. And Sundays are hard. They are bittersweet for me. I am so overjoyed to be home with my boys for another day, it's my day to sleep in, and we usually just hang out at home which I love. But it's also the day before I have to go back to work. Which means Sunday night is all about prep for the following week. Laundry, dishes, tidying up the house, packing the diaper bag & my lunch...
I am not myself lately. I am sure you loyal readers have surmised as much. I hardly blog anymore (compared to how often I used to blog), I rarely get out the camera to capture my boys' adorable moments, and I am just not the ray of sunshine I believe myself to have been at one point. I am struggling with what I assume is depression and what I know is anxiety. I am still having a hard time believing/accepting that I am pregnant. And it's making me feel so guilty. I want to be excited for this baby, but I am so nervous. For its health, for the impact on our family, for having three children... Being so sick (with colds & whatnot) along with my nausea and exhaustion is making it even more difficult.
Then on top of that is the fact that I am still working. I feel like a broken record: I hate working. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want Josh to be able to find full time work. I want to be with those boys full time. I miss them.
I am trying to trust God and believe that it's going to happen in His time. But lately with my hormones so out of whack, I've been having trouble holding onto hope. I fear that this is how it will always be. We will always live in this crappy house, we will always be broke, and I will never be a stay-at-home mom like I always dreamed.
When I get to feeling really low, I try to pray, talk to Josh or read either my "Blessings" book (a collection of inspirations) or the bible. Recently I read this article in my Blessings book:
"Are insurmountable problems about to do you in? Are you nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, emergencies, and trials of all kinds? These may be divinely appointed instruments for the Holy Spirit to use in your life. It could take days or even weeks, but if you are patient and willing to find out how God plans to use your current struggles, they can become an avenue for spiritual growth. Problems can turn into possibilities. Tribulations can become a blessing that God could get to you in no other way.
Bring all your problems to the Lord. Hold them up to Him in prayer. Sit quietly and wait for him to work. Your restless fretting accomplishes nothing. Rest! Wait! Pray! Do nothing that you are not thoroughly convinced in your spirit he is leading you to do. Give God a chance to work. The insurmountable problems that you face today will become God's opportunity to reveal His love and grace to you as you have never known before."
And so I prayed.
And now I wait...
I believe that I am on the edge of a breakdown. I have cried every day for about two weeks. I struggle to enjoy anything except Jack & Logan. And going to work feels like it is literally killing me. That's not to say that it's my actual job that is the problem- it's not. I love my students, I love the staff, I love being in the school setting. It's leaving Jack & Logan behind. It's waking up and having them ask, "Mommy's going to work today?" It's the tantrums when I finally get home. It's not ever feeling that I have enough time. To play, to hug, to laugh. Not to mention in which to do the laundry & housekeeping. Or spend time with my husband.
And although I am dying to stay home, I just can't see a way to make it happen. I keep stewing on it. Hoping I will see a way. Hoping He will find a way, make a way. My heart says, "Just quit. Be home. It will all work out." But my brain says, "Be responsible. You have a family to provide for. The future is uncertain." I am so torn. I wish I knew for certain what God wants. Does He want me to be patient and wait for Josh to find a job first? Or does He want me to take a leap of faith? Until the answer is clear, I will hold off on any decision making.
Next week is full of appointments that may make some things a little more clear for me. Monday will be my first counseling appointment. Since I am pregnant, I would like to avoid medication as the solution for my anxiety & depression. So I am going to see if I can't learn a few different coping mechanisms for the meantime.
And Wednesday is both my ultrasound (where we will find out the sex of the baby) and my second doctor appointment. I was supposed to have one over Christmas break, but the doctor had an emergency c-section, so it was canceled. I have so many questions for her. First and foremost, I want the results of the ultrasound- is the baby okay? Then I want to know if my insomnia, cuh-razy (!!!) dreams and continuing severe exhaustion are normal. I also want to know if my back pain (which today has been unbearable) is from the pregnancy or something else. I would also like her to wave her magic wand and make my nausea go away. Or something like that.
Here's hoping!
10 comments:
you need to remember one thing... YOU ARE AMAZING!!! You are carrying a baby inside you, and doing a fantastic job with your 2 kids. Hope things perk up for you soon- have you tried prenatal yoga? that always helped me... Library videos are free!
Girl, just give it ALL to God. I swear that when you let go, when you say "here, its ALL yours" and you just stop trying to figure it out yourself, things will happen. Things will fall right into place. Your happily ever after will come true.
You are stuck in the rock and a hard place but God has given you two boys, an awesome husband and a new bundle of joy... these are the things He has given you to see you through, to get you to the next chapter in the Book o' Cunningham.
The Christmas season fell into place, perfectly, like no one could have imagined... there is Hope, there is Faith and above all of these things, there is LOVE! God Loves you girl!
Keep on Keeping on!
PS - All that prego stuff is normal!
Can you send me an email to kristiw(at)allcatclaims(dot)com so I can chat with you about something?! Hang in there!
I appreciate your honesty in this post. I really like what the Hammack Family wrote in her comment, and am proud of you for talking to a counselor and your OB!!
Shelly,
I meant to write you a while ago. I know things are not going your way things that you want it to be.
We have to be confident, positive, supportive, and encouraging. Things WILL work out. Joshua eventually WILL find a job.
We must be patient and endure all the fiery trials that work patience in us. It's hard but in end it'll be worth it.
"Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control". ~Richard Kline
I heard on the radio that they did a study on gratitude and how it can make us healthier. I couldn't find the study, but I did find this quote, "What we think about matters. It can be difficult not to focus on our problems when we are faced with them, but taking some time out of each day to feel gratitude and appreciation for the positive people, influences, experiences, and things in our lives can go a long way toward healing our bodies."
On my worst days, when I don't want to get out of bed I kneel down, and thank my Heavenly Father for every single thing I can think of to be grateful for, and it helps me feel better. Not that it's going to be easy, but we have SO MUCH to be grateful for. I also try to do service. Nothing big, but I try to at least once a week find something I can do for another person. Bring someone a treat, write a note, call someone just to tell them I love or appreciate them.
You are going through trials now that seem impossible, but there will always be trials. I think part of our purpose on this earth is to figure out how to get through them with a smile, and what we can learn from them.
Hang in there feeling sick all the time takes its toll. Trust me I know! Just remember nothing ever stays the same even kidschange daily. Has your husband tried looking for work outside of where you guys live??? Also, has he treid majoring in special ed. Special ed teachers always have work and are always needed! Also, you may never know he may love it like my husband does. Katy Mc (long time reader)
I can totally relate to your feelings about this pregnancy. My husband lost his job at the beginning of December and we have an ultrasound scheduled for the end of Jan. to find out the sex of the baby. Instead of being excited I'm just dreading how much it will cost! I also have back pain and feel exhausted and just keeping up with one toddler is more than I can handle some days. One thing that helped my nausea was acupuncture. I went for three treatments at the beginning of my pregnancy and found it made an amazing difference. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time lately. You and your family are in my prayers.
Jessica
My sweet, sweet, Shelly. When I found out I was pregnant with Tyrone, we lived in Texas, the kids dad was in the Army. He got hurt and discharged. I was a sick as a dog as well. We had to leave TX with 350.00 in our pockets. We loaded the car, rented a u-haul and hit the road with bald tires. We slept in rest areas, Tiffanys rocking chair was stolen out of the back of the u-haul. Half way up the mountains into California our thermostate broke and we lost one of our tires. We had to spend money that we clearly didn't have. We made it to California, stayed with in-laws and then I took a grayhound bus to my moms, 7 months pregnant, sick, alone, and for nearly the whole trip Tiffany had to sit on my lap because the hot smelly bus was full. I didn't see my husband for the next 2 months, literally 2 days before Tyrone was born. But you know what, I got through it, and a thousand other trials since. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, they won't last and then pick yourself up, like you have so many times before and take one step at a time. Enjoy the baby growing inside of you, resting in the fact that God's love prevails, even when you don't feel like it does. It really is going to be Okay. I love you honey and I can promise you that it WILL all be okay.
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