The boys have become more challenging than I ever remember. They are so smart. And articulate. And determined. And I like to be in control. The mix is... well... not good. I liked when I was the boss, and they did what I said without saying, "But, but, but..." or "No," or screaming & rolling on the floor like wild animals. I miss telling them what to wear without outbursts about how they want shorts and I'm wrong about the weather. I miss feeding them what I wanted without being told it was "yucky" or "going to give me a tummy ache." I miss being told the truth. I also miss my sidekick. Their dad.
Today in the car I was telling the boys that it's hard for mommy some days because parenting is for two parents and I don't have Daddy here right now. Then Jack said, "Maybe Samuel could be the daddy." It nearly broke my heart.
On top of how much we all miss Josh, I got bad news.
We won't be leaving as soon as we had hoped. We won't be leaving until Christmas. It hurts to even type it. I can't believe it's going to be that long before I see him again. He'll have been gone nearly 20 weeks when he gets home. The baby will be six months old. School in Marshall doesn't let out for Christmas break until December 23rd. That's three long months until we are together.
He told me yesterday. I don't know that it has really sunk in. Housing is estimated to be completed end of October, which means he will likely get keys mid-November, and then I'll ship our stuff up (which takes 3-4 weeks) and by then it wouldn't make any sense to leave- it'd be early December anyway. So we made the heart wrenching decision to wait until he has two weeks off. On paper, it makes sense... He has plenty of time off, he'll be able to fly home, visit family & friends, celebrate the holidays, help me tie up loose ends here at our duplex, and be here for the New Year. Then we'll be able to take our time in Anchorage doing any shopping that needs done and getting the paperwork end of things taken care of. On paper it makes sense.
But in my heart, in my heart, that doesn't matter. In my heart, I don't care if we spend the holidays here or not. I just want to be together. I want to fall asleep in his arms. I want his help with the boys. I want someone to catch me. I'm falling.
I have been learning to ask for help. It's really difficult for me. But with so much responsibility on my shoulders, I can't possibly do it all myself. I hate asking, but I am surrounded by people who love me, and whom I know don't mind.
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
-Sara Evans
7 comments:
So frustrating! It will be worth it in the end, but I can feel your disappointment and know that you, Josh and the boys are ready to be together in Alaska already! I'm rooting for you to take a trip to Anchorage with Wyatt this fall if you can manage it. I'll help in any way! Sometimes common sense doesn't apply in matters of the heart. Remember when I quit my job, spent my savings on a plane ticket and flew to Okinawa the next week to see Blake?! Worth every penny.
Keep trusting God's plan and have faith, he's brought you this far! I love you!
Sweet Shelly, My heart aches for you, you are in my thoughts constantly, I pray that God provides what you need for your family and the strength to get through it. One day this will be just a sweet memory, you will all be together again. Love to you all
Shelly, I'm so sorry your family can't be together sooner. I can't imagine having to go through that. Your words are so raw, it made me cry. I'll be praying for you. The only thing I can tell you is a quote from Annie, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
Shelly- U can do it! Just look at all you have done- and you always come out on top!
Whenever I am having a hard time, I try and pretend I am being followed by a film crew...(If sounds ridiculous but it helps me!) Your movie is about a mom with 3 cute kids whose husband goes off to Alaska for a job for 3 months...
Of course funny stuff will happen (since you are totally outnumbered by kids) but try to be as cute and funny as you can and it will be a smash hit! Maybe it will be remade by the actress who plays Sabrina (your twin!)
Call me if you need a break from your house... we'd love to have the 4 of you over sometime to play!
We want the kids to walk and talk and then when they do... backfire! They CAN talk and they CAN tell us what life is like ;)
For clothing struggles, I got those hangers that they sell outfits on, the ones that hold a top and bottom and I made the outfits... they chose the clothes - or so they thought. It gave them an option, all the while I was still in control of what was really worn. Win-Win.
The food is just another power struggle and it doesnt make their tummy hurt but it sure messes with your mind. Kids are way smarter about things than we can even think. Dont let them fool you.
Time flies, I was so wishing for you that October would be the month.... but if not, the constant holidays make time zoom by at the end of the year. you have Halloween, then three weeks later is Thanksgiving - and you are mailing stuff soon, so make mailing day a holiday in itself. Then he will be there to get you in no-time. You will enjoy Wyatts first Christmas with family and then start the new year - new Cunningham adventure!
Keep up the good work, it shows to everyone, even if you are in the middle and cant see the forest for the trees, you are doing FABULOUS!
Oh, I am so sorry... this would be so hard for me in multiple ways. I never adjust well to changes in plan, and I definitely would struggle with "single" parenthood that long. But you've done so great so far. Just take it one day at a time.
I just want you to know that I think you're amazing!! I'm not quite sure how you've done it all alone this long, but you are doing a great job! So sorry for the change of plans...
Just know that you've got a fellow twin-mommy in Texas praying you through these next few months!
Post a Comment