fear

“If you look into your own heart,

and find nothing wrong there,

what is there to worry about?

What is there to fear?”

-Confucius

Unfortunately, despite the fact that I have checked within my own heart and found nothing wrong, I am still wrought with fear.  I am scared.  I hate feeling this way.  So I figured I would deal with it the way I deal with everything. I would write about it. But beyond that, I decided I would blog about it. I would share my fear with the world.

Perhaps by sharing the fear, it will lose some of its strength. 

Also, I am hoping I am not alone.

I am freaking out about the coming darkness.  For those of you who don’t know, we will reach a point, in late December, where the daylight here in Marshall lasts roughly four hours.  The sun will rise at 11am, and set near 3pm, meaning Josh will miss the sunny window entirely while at work. 

By the time I got here last January, we were on our way out of the darkness.  Each day got longer, by about five or seven minutes.  I have heard, from more than one person, that its going into the darkness that can do you in.

I fear being stuck in the house, cold, dark day after cold, dark day, with my many (loud, rambunctious) children.  I fear facing the holidays (my birthday, as well as Thanksgiving), and I fear depression consuming me the way it did when I was pregnant with Wyatt fall of 2010.

This fear hit me with a vengeance last night after I had flipped the calendar from August to September.  Fall is upon us.  There is no denying that.

I fear facing the darkness and longing, like no other, for the warmth of the sun upon my face.

I have only been here two and a half weeks, and already I have a laundry list of things I miss. 

I miss people: my mom, my sister, Julie, Ferris.

I miss places: restaurants, stores, the beach.

I miss events, plans, social outings, parties.

I know not what to do with this fear.  Seeing as I am here, and the darkness will come, I guess my plan had better be to face it.  I will journal daily, as well as offer my gratitude for all the blessings that surround me.  I will remember that I chose this because being here, even if it is somewhat isolated, is easier than leaving my boys to go to work every day.  I will work hard to stay connected.  To call people, to write people, to stay up to date on Facebook and the blog.  And lastly, when the holidays come, I will celebrate with those here.  I will remember that I am not alone, that we have friends and a support network in Marshall, too.

And until the darkness does come, I am going to remember to take it one day at a time.  I need not look ahead.  I just have to make it through today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience

in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt