Brightness of Hope

I am sick.
Really sick.  

I have been sick since Friday, and on Sunday & Monday it got really intense.
Today, miraculously, has been better.  (But perhaps only because I haven't eaten anything.)

But I am still scared.  I afraid of not getting better or worse. I am afraid of having to fly to Anchorage for medical care (by myself!) and afraid of leaving Josh and the boys.  I have never traveled by myself from the village before. 

I am afraid this is a complication from the medication I took when I had my wisdom teeth out.  I am bummed that I was supposed to start homeschooling today and couldn't.  I am grateful we have a clinic, and that I got some good medical advice from the on-call doctor in Anchorage.

{Sweet Aaliyah}
I hate being sick. I don't handle it well.  My anxiety always gets the best of me, and I start imagining horrific outcomes. I am also prone to googling.  The mix of medical advice from Google and my anxiety is not a good one.

I need to be well. I want to be well. I want to be able to take care of Josh and the boys' needs, as well as our house. And I have not been able to do that. It's all I can do to get through the day.  

{Sadie, our neighbor's dog}
I have broken down in tears too many times to count. I hate how the fear takes over my mind and my body.  I start shaking and can't clear my mind of all the worry.

Today I messaged a handful of friends asking for prayer.  I myself can't get through this. 

I need your help. 

I need your prayers.  If you have a moment, will you lift me up?  Will you ask God to grant me peace and heal my body? It would mean so much to me.

{Wyatt with Thumper, the neighbor's other dog}
This afternoon I was reading a link from Liz (Josh's cousin's wife) about God and motherhood.  
There was a quote in the last paragraph that struck me.

"Rely on Him.  Rely on Him heavily... and press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope."

As I {hopefully} continue to get better, I am going to attempt to talk back to my negative thoughts and have about me a brightness of hope.  I am going to tell myself that the tasks seem daunting now, but once I am well, they will be far less intimidating.

This journey toward getting well would be all the brighter if you would join me. 

Thank you for your love & well wishes.  
I need them now more than ever.


Anonymous said...

My prayers go out to you! I hope you feel better soon! I have been reading your blog since right before you moved to Alaska, you have alot of courage. Your boys are so cute!(I can't seem to comment with my google acc so I am using anonymous. I'm from Wisconsin, have 5 children and 5 grandkids so far.) You'll get through this!!

Brittney said...

Praying that you recover quickly and that your boys remain patient through your illness.

quiltluvr said...

I'm praying for you down south here in Alabama. :)

My prayer for you is for God to give you physical healing and also peace of mind so you can rest in the assurance of His presence and caring for you.

It's always hard to keep a true perspective of things when we are sick. I'm a worrier by nature so I understand.

I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. You are very blessed with a wonderful supportive husband and such sweet sensitive children!

Hang in there! It will get better.


Rox said...

Try to keep your moral up, watch funny movies, shower and get dressed so you feel more normal and out of the sick funk. If your anxiety is really bad don't be afraid to take something for it, it could really help.
On another note, these pictures are great, and I want that puppy! The last picture of the boys all squeaky clean in their jammies is too cute. I love you!

Dawn Frazier said...

Praying for you to get well soon. It's harder being ill when you have young children relying on you, and it's easy to feel vulnerable too. I had adult chickenpox when my son was three and my twins were 11 months. It was a really hard time but somehow we got through it. Hope you're feeling better really soon x

Cindy said...

Prayers for you to feel better. Remember the beauty of homeschooling especially this age is that you DON'T have to do it at a certain time or for a certain amt. of hours. I remember being way too regimented when I did my daughter for kdg. Your boys are doing very well academically already!