Peaceful Parenting

I just started Week Seven of Peaceful Parenting, 

and I'm pretty excited because I am now over halfway there!

Wahoo!

Each week I have chosen one goal to focus on to make the change simple & possible.

Week One:  Choose Love (you can choose fear/anger or choose love)

Week Two:  "at least" ("at least he didn't spill the whole pitcher!")

Week Three:  Slow Down (build in extra time in the hectic parts of your day)

Week Four:  Make A Plan (write down when things go wrong so you can make changes)

Week Five:  Be Concise (when giving a lecture, keep it simple!)

Week Six:  No more "if" (avoid threats & consequences)

Week Seven:  Think Age Appropriate

I am excited that I am almost two months into my new parenting journey.  

Knowing my goal is no more yelling by Christmas makes every days' work seem very important.

This week my goal is to "think age appropriate".  When Wyatt tantrums, that is to be expected, as he is two years old. Knowing it's "normal" helps me keep my cool.  When Logan or Jack neglect to foresee consequences of their actions, it's because they lack the ability to do so.  That was my big takeaway from the last section of the book I read. 

Before age 6, they don't have reason. "Their brain development isn't sufficient for them to control their own impulses, even to meet a goal that is important to them."  We are on the cusp of that developmental milestone. In the meantime, it's really important for me to have realistic expectations of their different abilities.

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My anxiety has actually helped me with my peaceful parenting.  It has taught me to feel my feelings and let them pass.  I can see that I am setting an example for the boys, and that feels good.  One big change this book has encouraged is to welcome the drama (aka emotions) that our children experience.  It's amazing what offering a hug can do. Whether they are crying or kicking, 99% of the time, a hug calms them and brings peace. 

Another way I am modeling good behavior is that when I screw up (and I do!), I apologize.  I tell the boys I'm sorry and that I'm going to keep trying.  This makes it easier for me to request that they do the same thing when they have wronged someone.

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The biggest change for us, obviously, was forgoing consequences & discipline.  

If you had told me a year ago that I would be giving up timeouts, I would have thought you were crazy!  Yet, my boys are happier and I am more at peace.  The quote I read in the book that made me decide then and there to let go of punishment was this:

"You want your child to follow your guidance because he loves you and would never want to disappoint you, not because you scare him."

So, so true.

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I find that each boy thrives under Peaceful Parenting in a different way... 

For Logan, he loves that he gets a second chance to get things right. If he throws his toys, I remind him that it's not allowed, and he's able to try again to get it right.  If he forgets to do something, I remind him gently, and he can get it done.  He loves being successful, even if it is on the second go-round.

For Jack, he does well with my explanations of why certain behaviors aren't allowed. He's a super smart little boy, and if I take the time to tell him why he can't carry the full milk pitcher to the table, he's less likely to try it again later.  I also find that emotional talking with Jack is really good for him.  If I can instill empathy in him for his brothers, he's more like to share and less likely to fight.

For Wyatt, I find offering choices can pull him out of it.  If he doesn't want to come for a diaper change, I will ask if he wants me or Josh to do it. Or if he doesn't want to eat dinner, I will ask if he wants the carrots first or the noodles first.  Knowing he gets to have a say totally changes his attitude.

I am loving that so many parts of this are becoming habit.  Offering choices and second chances is happening without so much as a thought.  And offering hugs when they are experiencing big, raw emotions is coming easier & easier.  I feel real hope that not yelling could be in our near future permanently!

Something I'd still like to do is make more time for is writing down three good things each of us did each day at the end of the evening.  The goal is to help me focus on the good, instead of the bad.  It's so easy at the end of the day, to sit in bed and think of all the times I messed up or missed an opportunity and all the times the boys made mistakes or bad choices, but that just breeds negativity.

The few times I have made the list, I was really able to see (in black & white) the progress we're making.  It's inspiring!

"It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, 

more than anything else, 

will affect its successful outcome."  

-William James

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Today's Daily Gratitude:

the twins:
for their joy
and for making my childhood dreams come true
oh, how i love them