March is over. Which feels unreal. And next month is May, which means when I talk to my family I can say, "See you next month!" 50 days and counting until our return to the Northwest, and I am getting really excited!
I can't wait to eat.
And eat, and eat, and eat.
Don't judge me!
In no particular order, I want to go to:
Burgerville
Baskin Robbins
Panda Express
Red Lobster
Papa John's
Cold Stone
Costco
Red Robin
Papa Murphy's
... the list goes on. I super want a fountain soda and a meal I didn't make.
I also want to go to Barnes & Noble to smell books. And maybe buy a few.
And I want to wander the aisles of Target. Child free. With a Starbuck's Caramel Frappaccino. And a purse full of money. Hey, a girl can dream.
***
My anxiety stopped by for a small visit. About six days. It was exhausting. But every time that happens, I feel a little stronger. Silver lining, I guess.
My book club book for March was Where'd You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple. In it, the main character, Bernadette talks about her anxiety. She put it so eloquently I felt compelled to share it here.
"Even sleeping makes my heart race! I'm lying in bed when the thumping arrives, like a foreign invader. It's a horrible dark mass, like the monolith of 2001, self-organized but completely unknowable, and it enters my body and releases adrenaline. Like a black hole, it sucks in any benign thoughts that might be scrolling across my brain and attaches visceral panic to them. For instance, during the day I might have mused, Hey I should pack more fresh fruit in Bee's lunch. That night, with the arrival of The Thumper, it becomes, I'VE GOT TO PACK MORE FRESH FRUIT IN BEE'S LUNCH!!! I can feel the irrationality and anxiety draining my store of energy like a battery-operated racecar grinding away in the corner. This is energy I will need to get through the next day. But I just lie in bed and watch it burn, and with it any hope for a productive tomorrow. There go the dishes, there goes the grocery store, there goes exercise, there goes brining in the garbage cans. There goes basic human kindness."
That is the best description of anxiety I have ever read. "Like a black hole, it sucks in any benign thoughts that might be scrolling across my brain and attaches visceral panic to them." That is exactly how it feels, how it happens.
I am glad the last two days the anxiety has let me be. But I live in a sort of temporary happiness the first few days after its left because I so fear its return. I am working to retrain my brain. To accept the panic, to relax into it, to watch and not participate in it. But I'm still learning. At times it's slow going.
***
We are still working to find a place to stay in Vancouver for the summer. We have a few back up plans, thanks to generous family members, but no situation is ideal as of yet. I am hoping to find a 2 bedroom furnished house we can rent from the end of May through the beginning of August. Preferably in Vancouver, near our family.
If you know of anyone who knows of anyone who can help us, please let me know!
***
The children. Oh, the children. The last four days have been very challenging for me parenting-wise. They are having trouble being generous, aren't sleeping long enough in the mornings, and are quite cranky with one another. I am always grateful when we can get outside in the afternoon. It changes all our moods for the better, and gives the boys a chance to blow off some steam and get some literal space from each other!
I am doing well with not yelling, but I find they still are struggling with listening. I am working to balance getting things accomplished (phone calls, baking, household chores) with spending time with the boys (reading, playing, listening to their never ending stories) and just when I feel like I've got it just right, one more thing gets added, and I'm off kilter again!
Right now, I am needing to devote more one on one time to the boys. It's challenging, though, because whoever I am not spending time with has trouble waiting their turn. (Remember how important the f-word is?) But we're sneaking it in where we can. Having them help me with chores, spend special time with their little brother, and especially listening to them when we talk and snuggle at bedtime.
***
I think our bedtime talks are my very favorite thing as of late. Logan in particular has a lot on his mind at bedtime. His main topic as of late is death and heaven. One night he asked, a lump in his throat, if he would still be Logan in heaven. I assured him that he would still be himself. Then he asked if I would be there, and I said I wasn't sure. Then he goes, "I don't even know where I'll live!?!" I reassured him that God loves him even more than I do, and that he will be taken care of. It helped.
Then we changed the subject to having a pet. And he decided we need three cats, one for each boy, and that they need to be nice cats, or we won't be able to have visitors come over. True, true.
***
The boys have been full of little funnies lately.
Thought I'd share my favorites:
"Daddy, when you get little, then you can go in mommy's tummy." -Wyatt
"Mommy when you get little, then you can have a taggy." -Wyatt
"Five kids?!? Our dentist has five kids?!? You could never take care of five kids, mom. Good thing our dentist goes to work!" -Logan
Jack was talking about the time he and Logan spilled our vegetable oil in the pantry, and I told him that I had to carry them to Josh, who had been in the shower at the time. Jack said, "Daddy was like, 'This one's done!' ... 'Now this one's done!' Which one's done?!? Ahh!?"
I told the boys that raisins are made from grapes. Logan goes, "Could we do that?" Then he answered himself, "No, it's too cold in Alaska." Then he thought for a minute. "I know who could do that! Nanny! She grows like fifty things in her garden, and she always has grapes in her fridge. I like green grapes." So apparently we'll be expecting some homemade raisins when we arrive in Washington.
*good luck, Nanny*
Wyatt likes to tell stories. His favorite is telling "scary" stories. One day I told him one about three little boys playing outside and a wolf coming to "eat them up". Now that's his favorite story to tell. He whispers parts of it and then yells, "And the wolf ate them up!" Today at breakfast the twins joined the story telling, and suddenly there were guns and shooting and Wyatt shouts, "Then the wolf came, and I shot him right in the face!" Where does he get this stuff?!?
I love these kids.
They are so much fun!
***
It's the weekend. And I will admit, this has been the longest parenting week that I've had probably since I was going it alone back in September 2011. I have been so overwhelmed by the constant fighting, need for refereeing, and never ending rough housing. They are just.so.physical! I am happy we have warmer weather heading our way so I can get them out of the house this weekend.
In celebration of another week under our belt (and state testing done for Josh!) we are going to have pizza and a movie tonight, and cease all chores for the weekend.
My goal? Read.
Read, and read, and read.
The books on my side table?
Almost Amish by Nancy Sleeth
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham (re-reading for good measure)
The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns
What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty
Happy Weekend everybody!!!
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