How To Pretend You Live In Rural Alaska

Without ever setting foot on a 207, you too can have the bush Alaska experience.

Start your day in complete darkness with a sock in your mouth (to mimic the dry air effect) and get immediately into the shower.  For breakfast, whip yourself up some powdered milk and cereal, followed by instant coffee mixed with powder creamer.

Be sure to wash dishes (by hand with a sponge) after each meal, or you will want to die the next day when you wake up with a) two hours worth of dishes to do & b) no dishes on which to eat or cook.  After doing the dishes (or avoiding them, whatever suits you) start filling the Brita sysytem with water because since moving here your children have become camels that are apparently storing up water in their reserves for drought season, and every blessed day it needs to be refilled.

Spend the morning homeschooling your two ruffians while attempting to keep the third entertained enough to let the older two learn.  Good luck.

Then in the middle of a heartfelt conversation with your mom/sister/friend during quiet time, hang up.  Yep, just hang up. Later, after holding at least twenty minutes to talk to a real live customer service person, hang up on them, despite the importance of said phone call.

In the afternoon (but before 6:00pm, because that's when the store closes here) head to the store and only buy half the items on your MUST BUY list.  Try omitting things like butter, cottage cheese, coffee creamer and ice cream.  Then, when you get to the register, willingly pay twice the marked price for every item.  Oh, and you can't buy any tortillas, cookies or bread either.

On the weekend, when you finally get a day off with your husband home, you will need to spend at least four hours in the kitchen making four loaves of bread and 48 tortillas from scratch, while at the same time whipping up a batch of cookies for the kids to devour on movie night.

To go to the doctor, just hop on two planes, rent a car and reserve a hotel room.  Plan on at least one extra day in Bethel waiting for the weather to clear.  Oh, and don't forget your snow gear in case of below freezing temps.

Next Saturday night, once the kids are in bed and you are finally free to peruse Pinterest guilt-free, go shut off your internet. Twenty minutes later, turn it back on.  Then off. Then on. Then off again.  Repeat for at least two hours.  Then give up and watch another episode of Pawn Stars. Then, five minutes before the show ends, turn off the TV.

And one more thing?  To make your whole experience legit, tell your girlfriends & family members outside your immediate family that you are terribly sorry, but you won't be able to see them again for nine months. No biggie, right?

Let me know how your experience is! ;)


On a positive note, there's no sales tax here, and we do get the PFD for every member of our family.  And oh, you know, we see Josh everyday for breakfast, lunch & dinner. Not to mention that I don't have to work and finally get to be the stay-at-home mom I've always dreamed of.  We truly are blessed by our life in out here... but some things make keeping my sanity in the bush pretty tough!


kristin hartwig said...

I love it! I wish blogs had a "Like" button...

Petersons said...

Haha! This is very funny and sad at the same time. You are making some good sacrifices :)

Hannah Jean said...

Hah! Absolutely love this! I used to live in rural Alaska and now I live on a very remote island. It's funny to think about all of the little things people on the outside take for granted. Thanks for sharing :)


Kasey said...

You're funny.
Also, it doesn't sound so idyllic when you put it this way :)