11.17.2014

Not Allowed


I threw it away.  That's how it started.

***

Everyday while Josh fed the boys breakfast I would get in the shower, listening to inspiring music, hop out, blow dry my hair and then take out my make up bag.  Except putting on my makeup was hard when the contents of that bag would make me cry...

***

I talked to Josh about it. He agreed that I needed to let it go. But knowing it would just end up at the town dump, getting burned with all the other trash was hard.  Finally I made peace with the fact that keeping the pregnancy test didn't mean I got to keep the pregnancy.  That was already gone.

So I took a deep breath one day and took out all the garbage in the house, quickly tucking the First Response Test in its depths before I could change my mind.  The next morning I was able to get ready for the day without crying.  I was glad I had let it go.

The pregnancy test wasn't the only thing that was hard to let go of. I kept my hospital bracelets on for a week after the D&C.  I also had my maternity clothes in my drawers & closet until yesterday when I had finally had enough of looking at them and feeling either empty or angry.

Those items that I could hang onto and tuck into my Pregnancy journal, I kept.  But I put the pregnancy journal up in our closet, out of sight, so I don't have to be blindsided by sadness unexpectedly when I go to pick out a pair of jeans or a sweater.

***

With the physical moving on past the pregnancy, there has also been an emotional moving on.  That has been much harder than the physical.  Putting pregnancy tops in an empty blue tote is fairly easy compared to saying goodbye to a baby you never got to meet.  Tossing out a pregnancy test (hard as it was) is pretty basic, whereas separating emotions like grief, anger, sadness & relief is far more complex.

***

The emotions are likely more challenging because of all the voices 
I have in my head telling me I'm not allowed to feel them:

--I'm not allowed to be sad cause I have three healthy kids.
Wanting a fourth was just plain greedy.

--I'm not allowed to be sad cause there are women who carry a baby for nine months and lose it.
Mine was only ten weeks old.

--I'm not allowed to be sad cause mom's lose children, real beings they have held and loved.
I never even saw my baby's face.

Thankfully I have a husband who helps me talk back to those voices.  That baby was real to you, he says, as I sob hysterically into his chest.  He holds me as I let out all that I held in while I was alone in Anchorage.  He holds me as I grieve and cry and get angry over the unfairness of it all.  

***

I've been listening to Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allan.
Makes me cry every time.  But sometimes that's just what I need.

Life ain't always beautiful. Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful.  You think you're on your way.
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger.  And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time.
No life ain't always beautiful. Tears will fall sometimes...
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

Life ain't always beautiful. Some days I miss your smile.
I get tired of walking all these lonely miles.

And I wish for just one minute, I could see your pretty face...
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger. And the changes make me wise.
And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time.
No life ain't always beautiful, but I know I'll be fine.
Hey life aint' always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

***

3 comments:

Natalie Irwin said...

I absolutely LOVE that song. Hang in there girl!

Anonymous said...

I have lost a child, a two-week-old baby girl. I am not going to go into it here and now, but I want to tell you one thing: don't feel bad about beeing sad about mourning the baby you did not get to hold. Your sorrow is not making an other person's sorrow any less or any bigger than it is.You have all rights to feel sad and cry over your loss.
Hugs to you!

Emily said...

I get this. I do. All of our experiences are unique, but you are not alone in the grief.

My song--Beautiful Heartbreak by Hillary Weeks. The video is on YouTube and has Nie in it.