12.22.2014

Homesick, Heartsick

I've been a touch sad the last couple of days. Crying over nothing, at totally random times.  I'm not sure if it's my hormones, the miscarriage (it's been 8 weeks now) or my being homesick.  This year is the worst for my homesickness.  It's never been this bad.  I miss my people.  I miss my places.  I miss being able to distract myself with running errands and spending time with friends and family.  I miss being able to get the kids out of the house-- going to the zoo, or my mom or sister's-- to enrich their days (and mine!).  I miss picking up an easy meal out after a long day, and the ease of driving myself wherever I need to go (namely the doctor).  I also miss shopping.  And vegetables.

I have a trip to Anchorage coming up. To meet my bestie.  I know it will be a super fun, much-needed break, but along with all my sad emotions, I am feeling really guilty about leaving Josh and the boys.  There's so much I am looking forward to doing while we're there-- eating out, shopping, going to the movies, and catching up with Julie.  But I can't help but feel that niggling sense of guilt about being gone so long.  It feels selfish. 

Josh encourages me to look forward to the trip.  Telling me that it will be a wonderful mini-vacation, that he and the boys will be fine without me, and that he's glad I get this little bit of time away.  He assures me I will come back refreshed, and that it may be hard to say goodbye, but it will make coming home ever-so-sweet.

On this trip I would have been finding out the sex of our sweet little baby. So I think that is making the trip a little bittersweet as well.  New Years would have marked the halfway point of this pregnancy and instead of growing a little one inside me, I have no idea what the future holds.

***

"I know sometimes you cannot breathe deeply,
and the night sky is no home,
and that you are down to your last two percent, 
but

nothing is infinite
not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day,
you are going to find yourself again."

-Finn Butler

7 comments:

Kristin in Alaska said...

Oh, you make my heart sad. Listen to Josh - they will be fine while you take this time for yourself. Don't let the mom-guilt get you.

I have also been feeling homesick, and I've only been here a little over 3 months. 37 isn't too old to say "I miss my moomy!", is it?

Kimberly F said...

I hope tomorrow is a better day, and the following day an even better one! Enjoy your time with your friend- you so deserve a break from mommy-duties and some fun!!
Have a wonderful Christmas with your beautiful boys!
Kim at www.518nymammaof2.blogspot.com

Tabitha Studer said...

hi Shelly! Thinking of you and sending love to you xxox - you can do hard things! time and time again you inspire me with how much that is true. i know we both always feel better when we complete to do list items and lists! I'm taking a cue from Ashley at the Big White Farmhouse and putting together a list of 100 small things to accomplish in 2015 to try to keep my mind focused on small tasks that will bring a big happiness boost to my cluttered mind/heart. wanna join? xxoxxo love you!

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's time...time to go home.

Joshua Cunningham said...

Alaska...is our home.

Katie (Your New Jersey Fan) said...

There is absolutely nothing selfish about taking some time for you. Even the most fiercely devoted mothers need time to rest and rejuvenate.

Merry Christmas from the East Coast. xoxo

Kasey said...

Merry Christmas! Being away from family at the holidays is hard no matter what the circumstances. I'm reveling in being home this year and seeing my dad's family for the first time since having kids. I'm glad you are getting a trip with your bestie even though the circumstances aren't what you'd planned. It's good to take care of you.
Hugs and hope you have a great Christmas break.