I've been a touch sad the last couple of days. Crying over nothing, at totally random times. I'm not sure if it's my hormones, the miscarriage (it's been 8 weeks now) or my being homesick. This year is the worst for my homesickness. It's never been this bad. I miss my people. I miss my places. I miss being able to distract myself with running errands and spending time with friends and family. I miss being able to get the kids out of the house-- going to the zoo, or my mom or sister's-- to enrich their days (and mine!). I miss picking up an easy meal out after a long day, and the ease of driving myself wherever I need to go (namely the doctor). I also miss shopping. And vegetables.
I have a trip to Anchorage coming up. To meet my bestie. I know it will be a super fun, much-needed break, but along with all my sad emotions, I am feeling really guilty about leaving Josh and the boys. There's so much I am looking forward to doing while we're there-- eating out, shopping, going to the movies, and catching up with Julie. But I can't help but feel that niggling sense of guilt about being gone so long. It feels selfish.
Josh encourages me to look forward to the trip. Telling me that it will be a wonderful mini-vacation, that he and the boys will be fine without me, and that he's glad I get this little bit of time away. He assures me I will come back refreshed, and that it may be hard to say goodbye, but it will make coming home ever-so-sweet.
On this trip I would have been finding out the sex of our sweet little baby. So I think that is making the trip a little bittersweet as well. New Years would have marked the halfway point of this pregnancy and instead of growing a little one inside me, I have no idea what the future holds.
"I know sometimes you cannot breathe deeply,
and the night sky is no home,
and that you are down to your last two percent,
nothing is infinite
not even loss.
You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day,
you are going to find yourself again."