How I Am

Right now I am okay.  I am functioning.  I am doing school with the twins, making dinner, washing clothes and carrying on.  But the heartache is there.  The questioning, the wondering, the wanting to know WHY is constant.  A hum in the background.

Some things break my heart.
For instance, Wyatt's new love for his baby doll.  
The other morning he told me, "I'm going upstairs to rock-a-bye my baby."

And that's just what he did.  Wrapped her up in his very own baby blanket and sang, "Row, row, row your boat" followed by "That farm song" (Old McDonald) with a little help from his mama.

Watching him rock and love on that baby, imagining how he would have been with a new sibling come May or September, was like taking a bullet.  

Thankfully, I followed a lot of really smart blogs when my children were babies, and I was surrounded by a lot of really wise women, and so I know, even if I don't get to experience that with another baby, that I cherished every moment of our three boys' newborn infant-ness.  I was well aware how fast it goes, how precious it is, and to steal a line from Kelle (an all time favorite blogger of mine), I sucked the marrow right out of that time in my life.

Luckily, alongside the heartache, are things that make my heart swell.
With love...
With joy...
With gratitude...

Those big brothers that did get to experience a new baby who became their little brother, they are the best at it.  At being big brothers, at helping out, at teaching.  They watch out for Wyatt, they laugh with him, they hug him, and those are the moments when I think, "We must be doing something right."


 I don't claim to know what the future holds, but for now, plans for another baby are not on the agenda.  Being pregnant in rural Alaska, even if things go well, is not easy. It's not convenient.  And things going bad is even worse.  Miscarrying twice out here is about all I can handle.  I'm not sure God's plan.  I (unfortunately) cannot see His big picture here, but I'm trusting that right now all I'm expected to do is let time pass; feel the feelings as they come (like the other night when I cried myself nearly to sleep and had to flip the pillow over because it was so sopping wet); and love these little guys God did allow to come to this earth.  Beyond that, I'm just praying.  Waiting for our story to unfold.

Something else bringing a smile to my face during this bit of down time?  Care packages, of course.  This one, from Anne (hi Anne!) who taught in one of our villages and is now back in the lower 48, was so incredibly thoughtful.  Snacks for the boys, Valentine goodies, socks, pens & a journal for me, and some chocolate almond treats I'm saving for later this week when my friend Susan is supposed to come visit.

Each day I try to find something to look forward to.  Some days it's as simple as watching Toy Story during quiet time with the boys.  Other days it's spending time blogging or reading.  I'm also exercising and making sleep a priority.  

It's a slow process, but I have faith that with time, I'll feel whole again.


Marilynn Raatz said...

Oh Shelly, I love seeing those pictures of Wyatt being so tender with his baby. I wish I was there to comfort you. I am sorry this happened to you. I wanted a new baby for you (and all of us) and of course I trust God but this is hard. I love you!

The Beardmores said...

Shelly, there are no words. I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt you feel. I wish I could just give you a squeeze and tell you it will get better, but your heart will bear the scar just like a surgery to your skin. I wish I had answers, but you will continue to ask why and your faith just has to persevere! Hang on tight to the Lord, I know you will! All my love and support in this time friend. -Amber

Tabitha Studer said...

Always thinking of you and sending happy thoughts and love your way. Those pics of Wyatt and the babydoll are so precious! You are such a strong mumma and they are so lucky to have you! xxoxo always.

Anonymous said...

My heart hurts with you and for you. What so many people don't understand about miscarriages is that you already love that baby, you have dreams of how their life will be, wonder what kind of person they will be. Losing children alters you, no matter how old they are.

In this day and age, there is greater compassion for those mothers who suffer this loss but still much ignorance. All of my pregnancies ended in miscarriages (except for an ectopic one). You know the first question people ask when you first meet: How many children do you have? The pain never goes away. So I love other people's children. That hurts too but brings the joy of those beautiful smiles, the wonder of seeing the world through a child's eye. They are amazing miracles.

Your boys are beyond precious. You are an exceptional mother. I'm so sorry that you have gone through these horrible experiences. Life is full of bittersweet.

Annery said...

So many prayers for you friend!