Feelings

I told you the story of Logan's seizure from Logan's point of view, but I'd like to take a minute to tell you how things went down for Logan's other half, Jack.

Apparently Jack knew someone was down on the floor, because he could see traffic being diverted in the cafeteria, but he didn't know who it was until he got down from his bench and peered under the tables from his class to the last class in third grade, Logan's class. (They are seated pretty far from one another.)  He knew immediately that it was Logan and he asked his friend to go ask her mom (who is a staff assistant at their school) what was going on. His friend ran back and told him that Logan was down, and choking on his chips.

Jack saw him on the ground, shaking all around and shortly after that he saw (still from a distance as he was at his table) the police show up.  He saw the police officer checking Logan to see if he was breathing and taking other vital signs.  Some kids told Jack they were giving Logan CPR and others thought Logan was dead or paralyzed from falling off his seat at the table.

The principal, who has twins himself, at that point connected with Jack, for which I'm so grateful, and asked Jack if he wanted to come closer.  Jack told him no.  Tonight at bedtime he told me, "I just didn't want to go up there mom.  With all those grown ups.  Do you know what I mean?" I assured him that I totally understood.  That while some kids might have wanted to see what was going on because they'd never seen that before, for him to go see it, was really hard and really scary.  Instead Jack opted to go to this classroom.  His teacher was still finishing her lunch when he arrived, but the door was unlocked so he went straight to his desk, where he sat sobbing (& coloring) until she arrived.

She said she walked into the room and saw Jack alone at his desk.  When she asked what was the matter, he melted into her, crying even harder, and she had no idea what was going on. Slowly she began to piece together what had happened.  She knew a third grader had collapsed, but wasn't sure who.  Then when Jack was able to talk, he told her Logan had been on the ground, not responding and that he didn't like what all the other students were saying.

I just keep feeling terrible for not being there. I mean, how could I have been there? But still... I hate the thought of Jack witnessing something so scary by himself.  Thank goodness his teacher is absolutely amazing and Jack knew her classroom would be a refuge for him. She is my saving grace.  And the principal.  He checked in a second time with Jack at recess later to be sure he wanted to stay with his class and not come wait for me in the office.  Again, Jack chose to stay with his class, keeping his day as normal as possible.

Jack told me that after he saw Logan shaking like that, he was shaking, too.  I told him that I think that's because him and his brother have such a special connection.

As Jack told me pieces of what happened yesterday, it was almost like he was in denial because the story came out in tiny bits over the course of the last 24 hours.  I think as the shock and worry is wearing off, he's better able to put it all together in his head.  Tonight he fell asleep much easier and I'm hoping I will too.

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