"Discipline Mistakes" -PARENTS magazine

The other PARENTS article that inspired me (and made me feel less alone) was Discipline Mistakes All Moms Make.  Here are the mistakes us moms make, and how to fix them:

1. We're too negative
We're always telling our kids what NOT to do. 
Instead, ask for the behavior you WANT to see.  
This saves "No!" for the dangerous scenarios.


2. We expect too much from our kids
She said that our kids are still learning social norms, so our job is to remember they aren't trying too embarrass us or be naughty- they simply don't know better. Our duty is to inform them.  She says to point out what others around are doing well, so your child knows what behaviors to copy.  Also, she says to expect to give lots of reminders.


3. We model behavior we don't want to see
When you act a way you wouldn't want your child to mimic, the author suggests apologizing and taking a do-over.  This was super helpful advice for me, especially when I lose my temper and yell. I don't want my kids yelling (at me or each other), so it's important that I communicate to them that losing my cool is a mistake.


4. We intervene when our kids simply annoy us
She says to fix this common parenting mistake, we need to ignore selectively. I was alone with all three kids yesterday while Josh was gone at the beach, and ignoring selectively is what got me through it.  When the boys were tapping, acting goofy or playing with something the wrong way, I just ignored it.  The behavior generally stopped and I never had to open my mouth.


5. We're all talk and no action
Guilty, guilty, guilty!  I hate having to follow through on discipline, especially when I am tired or feel like all I am doing is putting one boy or the other in time-out.  She said that we need to set limits and follow through. She says, (and I quote) "Nagging, second chances, and negotiation all convey that cooperation is optional."  This is not the message I want to be sending my kids! I've gotta improve my follow through.


6. We use time-out ineffectively
She says time-outs often lead a child to feeling rejected.  Instead of calming down, they can amp up.  She suggests a time-in, where you sit quietly with your child.  For my kids, I know that Jack will "take a break" during time-out, laying in his bed, whereas Logan will become more agitated, more naughty & more distraught.  I think a time-in would be very effective with him.


7. We assume what works for one kid will work for another
As I said above, both boys respond differently to the same consequence.  This is important for me to keep in mind because I can make a situation worse by expecting Logan to respond the same way to the discipline I've developed for Jack. It's unfair to them and me. 

~

I found all of this advice really helpful.  Especially the selective ignoring and the idea that they are completely unaware of social expectations.  My job as their mom is to tolerate their "kid-like" behavior and teach them social rules.