While I have enjoyed posting so many of my draft posts this week, there's a reason it's been a while since I wrote something real. My anxiety has been back. I have had the occasional day or two of respite (usually on the weekends when I have plans and Josh is around) but it seems to keep coming back.
It usually starts with some kind of physical sensation (back ache, headache) that I then worry will lead to something more dire, which will require my leaving the village to go to the doctor, and panic ensues.
I am totally and completely afraid of dying, and after nearly three months suffering this panic, I am exhausted.
I have been on my medicine just over two weeks. I am praying for healing. For peace. For calm. But so far, I feel like I just keep backsliding.
I miss just waking up and facing the day. I miss feeling normal. I miss not worrying about every.single.symptom in myself and the children.
I miss just enjoying my kids. I miss laughing. I miss having a good afternoon, without feeling like I have to look over my shoulder, waiting for the anxiety to attack again.
I hate feeling lonely and being scared of being alone. It's like I can't even remember who I used to be. Everything I've read tells me to give it time, but that's really challenging when each day feels like an eternity. But I am trying. Trying to breathe, trust my body and let time pass.
In the mean time, I am keeping busy taking care of the kids and getting outside as much as possible in the nice weather we've been having. If you think of it, lift up a prayer for me, will you? Tomorrow is my birthday, and it would be really nice to have a good day.
(sidenote: these pictures are of the twins' favorite activity lately. Playing "fighty hands" as they call it, with my new hot pads from Target. Who knew they would provide hours of entertainment!?!)
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Today's Daily Gratitude:
5 comments:
Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that the new medicine hasn't fully stopped the anxiety. Have you always been afraid of dying? Or are you more afraid of being sick and out of commission? I will pray for you and for this anxiety to end. I don't want that weight on your shoulders. I want you to be Sunshine Shelly that I know and love. I'm proud of you for taking the steps to help yourself. After you talk to your doctor, maybe you can up your medication while you work on the other ways to stop anxiety (hot thoughts, etc.). Do not look at taking more medicine as a failure. It is there to help you, and if you had any other ailment you would take medicine. Also, don't think of it as a life time commitment. Just think about right now, one day at a time. HUGS. I love you!
PS Fighty hands makes me laugh. Love those boys.
I don't comment very often, but I LOVE clicking on your blog each day to read what you're thinking, what's new in Alaska, and how cute your boys are getting! I have also read many of the books you recommend! Just today, I needed a new book, and scrolled back through your blog to find your latest must reads! So thanks! ;-)
I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so with anxiety! Please know that fervent prayers are being lifted up for you, all the way from Texas! May God give you peace, calm, and end to the fear...and the best birthday you've had yet! I'm praying one of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:6 & 7 for you, my sweet blog friend! Especially v.7!
(New Living Version)
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Have a wonderful birthday!! I'm sure your man and your little men will treat you like a queen!
Hi Shelly
Sorry to hear this anxiety is still rearing its ugly head. I use to get very bad anxiety when I had small children. I was eventually diagnosed with a thyroid disorder. That was 16 years ago now. It might be worth asking your doctor to take a blood test to check your thyroid hormones. It 's most likely not the case, but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Take very good care of yourself.
Donna
I'm going to add you to my prayer intentions. Peace be with you. Something that has helped me greatly in battling anxiety is what a friend once told me, "anxiety is not an emotion sent from God". It's helped me remember that God doesn't want us to be anxious, even when everything seems to be falling apart, he's just moving the pieces around to perfect the picture.
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