I'm Not Okay

So I have cried pretty much every day since Josh left.  Some days I would get the boys in bed and think, "I did it! I made it through the day without crying," only to then put myself to bed and cry myself to sleep.  (Both depressing to admit, and crappy to wake up to- my eyes, red ringed and burning from all the salty tears released the night before- a super bummer way to start the next day.)

A friend of mine whose husband is also gone and is also pregnant told me she was still in the "crying everyday" phase of his departure.  I can't tell you how I have clung to that, her honesty buoying me, making me feel normal when I break down in tears over a song on the radio, the headlight going out in the car, or the gas light coming on. I'm just still in the "crying everyday" phase, okay?

My missing Josh is three fold.

I miss him.  Just him.  My friend.  My husband.

I miss my co-parent.  Sharing the load that is raising these kids.

I miss the boys' daddy.  Seeing them be without him, breaks me.

So sometimes at night, when things finally quiet down and I am alone with my thoughts, I find myself wishing he'd been there for special things (like baseball practice-- hitting their first balls, catching their first throws) or that he'd come rescue me from having to do all three baths.  Other times my missing him has nothing to do with the kids.  I just wish he was here for me. To hug me, to rub my back, to fall asleep on the pillow next to me so I would feel less alone.  It's hard.

I am counting down the days until his visit in October.  In my really negative moments, I think, "Then what? You see him for a week and just have to say goodbye all over again."  Which is true, but not very helpful emotionally.  So basically, I guess it's just hard because he won't be a regular fixture in our life again until May when school gets out. And that's a long time for this mama to imagine parenting alone, without my best friend by my side.

So many of my friends have reached out.  Asking how I am, checking on me, and offering to meet for playdates to help me pass the time. I am so grateful.  It helps to have friends who get it.  My friend Angie (hi, angie!) said that our being apart is even more brutal because of how we were living before this.  Life in the bush makes you pretty dependent on your partner for everything.  Our life in Marshall was very small and concentrated.  Our time was spent together and we had to rely on one another for friendship, support and entertainment.

I find that Fridays are my hardest days.  In Alaska, Fridays were my best days.  The twins had testing, so school was done early; Josh was happy because it was the weekend; and we would both look forward to date night & Josh's homemade pizza once the boys were in bed.  Now my weekends look just the same as my week (with me in charge of doing it all... still...) only worse because we don't do school on the weekends, so there is absolutely NOTHING on the schedule for over 48 hours and it's agony.  Knowing Josh, too, is free (from work, from responsibilities) and missing us as well just makes it worse. What we wouldn't give to be spending another night on our old brown couch watching Hunger Games for the twelfth time eating his amazing pizza.

Last night he said he made pizza, but that it was just sad.  Sad to be making & eating it alone.  Sad to be watching a movie by himself in the dark.  I teared up when he said that.  I love him so much, it kills me to imagine him sad or lonely.

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My goal for next week is to wake up before the boys.  I just couldn't muster the strength the last two weeks, but I am hopeful the third week is the charm.  This will help with how I feel each day (who wants to be wearing day old yoga pants with bed head for half the day?) and will give me a few quiet moments on my own to start my day.  I am also hoping to figure out a weekend plan that I am excited about because I hate dreading it so much.  It's pretty much the worst.

(An important side note: I know that things could be worse. I know that I am lucky he's: alive, employed and coming back to visit so often.  That said, my journey, doing this without him, is really really hard and I can't handle anyone being negative or rude about it. Being without him even a day is hard for me. So the next nine months are going to be really challenging.  I know most of you support me and are amazing, but for those who might have something unkind to say, please keep it to yourself. I can't. I just can't.)

So that's where we're at.  Feeling a bit low at the moment, but ever hopeful that things will improve and being apart will get easier.

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