Around Here: Week 19 2023

 {May 7-13th}

In loving memory of Carl S. Cunningham
05-04-1953 ~ 05-07-2023

"I love you daddy.
Happy Teacher Appreciation Week!"

Learning... early Sunday morning that Josh's dad had passed.  Surrounded by his beloved children and lifelong sweetheart.  It was beautiful and hard and I am so grateful they were all there. 

Telling... my kids that Papa was gone.  They knew how sick he had been and that the end was near, so that helped soften the news.  I was able to take the twins and Carly to say goodbye last week.  Wyatt was sick, so he wasn't able to go which I regret.  It was clear when we saw him that he was not okay. Mostly he slept.  But he did randomly join the conversation when we were teasing Logan about his long hair and how he needs a haircut.  Carl, booming voice as always, said, "Yeah! It looks like hell!" Oh, how we all laughed. That was the crazy, loud Papa they knew. Always razzing the kids. He also said, "Love you, too" when we all said goodbye that day. So when I told the kids that he had died, they were just glad he was no longer suffering. And the twins wanted to know mostly how Josh was doing with it. Man I love those kids. They are good, good kids. 

Planning... the funeral and adjusting schedules as needed.  Everyone was amazing- my teachers; the kids' teachers; their baseball coaches. Everyone was so lovely. My friend Christi even brought us flowers and chocolate. It was so throughtful and made me smile every time I walked into the kitchen this week. My older brother also reached out to give his condolences.  Carl was a great guy and everyone was sad to learn he had passed. 

Getting... Carly's cavaties filled.  She is so brave during this whole process which is half because she's amazing and half because our dentists' office is amazing.  They use kind, not-scary words (like sugar bug and wiggle instead of cavaty and shot) and are so invested in our kids, asking questions about school and summer and life. I am so grateful. The only part she hates is when it's done and her mouth "feels like marshmallows". Haha. She's awesome. 

Loving... the way Carly celebrates anything she hears. She found out from Josh that it was teacher appreciation week (because he brought home some treats/gifts/cards from his students) so she set to work making a card for her teacher, and making a sign for her daddy.  My favorite part is how she spelled appreciation (see above). Guess & go spelling (or "Best Guess" spelling as Carly calls it) is forever my favorite. 

Going... to the cemetery for Carl's viewing the day before the funeral. I prepared the kids (mostly Carly) on what to expect. I told her that Papa would look like he was sleeping, but he wasn't. I told her when someone dies they check for a pulse/heartbeat/breathing before declaring them deceased. In the weeks leading up to my Grandpa's death (in January of this year) we read this book about death, and we have read it many times since then and now that we are here with her Papa whom she was really close to, she understands the process. 
The viewing was special. It was good to see Carl at rest, not in pain. It was hard to see Josh's siblings and know they had lost someone so important to them.  It was heartbreaking to see Josh's mom. Carl was her everything. And now he's gone. It's surreal. 

(Book Info- When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown.  The illustrator is Marc Brown, who most people know from his Arthur character/series. It looks/sounds like it's about dinosaurs, but in fact it is about death. It talks about different feelings kids may have, different ways people grieve, and what the process of death and funerals can look like. I found it very helpful for conversations with Carly. Especially as she had conflicting feelings. I referred back to the book that said any feeling you have is normal after you lose a loved one.)

Attending... the funeral, dressing the kids in colorful clothes like Carl would have wanted, and smiling when the twins chose to wear jeans and their cowboy boots. Carl's dream of owning land in the country, of retiring from the city and slowing down near us, is why those boys even own a pair of boots. He is why they know how to work hard and ride four wheelers and dirt bikes.  We are so blessed to have had him. 
Josh was the speaker at the funeral and I have never been so proud of him in my life. The speech he gave was beautiful. I'm going to share it here so that my kids have it to look back on someday.

"I’m going to start this off with a short story. For those of you who don’t know, I love baseball, playing when I was a kid, coaching, and catching a Mariners game from time to time. It all started when I was about eight years old. One afternoon my dad came home with a paper bag filled with 8-10 baseballs. We spent the afternoon playing catch and him hitting grounders and pop flys in our side yard. 

Carl was a busy man, he had a large family, so he  spent a lot of time working to provide for us. Weekends were full of projects around the house. Dad was an avid gardener. Growing up he had a large section of the yard reserved for the garden, he also grew many fruit trees. Dad was always tinkering on something, he came from a generation that fixed what was broken and I learned a lot by just watching. 

Dad loved cars, motorcycles, airplanes, pretty much anything that moved. As a pilot of small aircraft I once went flying with him. You heard that correct once. I can’t remember how old I was, but somewhere in the 5-7 range. I don’t remember taking off or landing, but I do remember trying to roll the window down. In his later years dad really got into motorcycles. He went on many adventures with his good friend Greg. He and my mom also spent many miles on the road together. We loved to hear their stories when they returned. 

Dad never loved the idea of working for someone else, so he tried out a few ideas to start up his own business. One of my favorites was he was going to build kit cars and sell them, while this never got a lot of traction and we only completed one car, the amount of time I spent with him was invaluable. The late nights, crammed into our garage figuring out wiring, fuel lines, and all the other things that are required to build a car from the ground up were worth it, when I saw the huge smile when we fired it up for the first time. Now I don’t want to paint a picture that it was all great…Working on cars with my dad was a lot of looking for tools, and coming back with it only to find out he used another tool or something else to complete the task. Samuel can attest to that! Trying to hold the flashlight for him was sometimes a near death experience! I always wanted to see what he was doing which normally put the light in the wrong place, he would yell "You don’t need to see!”

When Dad retired and moved back to Moses Lake he got to build his dream shop, and promptly fill it with shit. He also started to build his forever home with my mom. Building a house is expensive, time consuming, and aggravating. The project dragged on, and stalled out when dad had his stroke. It took help from so many people and with hard work and dedication, he and mom moved in last November. As some of you may know, my dad was a bit of a perfectionist. He liked things done in a certain way and didn’t have any qualms letting you know. After he moved in to the house we asked him what he thought. He said something to the effect that it's fine. Probably not what we wanted to hear, but what we expected. Dad was true to himself and I love him so much for being so. 

You’ve heard the saying that behind a strong man is an even stronger woman. I’ve seen that play out a little different. My parents stood side by side for 50 years. Through their amazing lives of ups and downs they made an amazing life together and we were privileged enough to get to be a part of it. 

I’m going to end this eulogy with a short lesson. A word that I’ve heard come up a lot during this time of sadness is regret. I have reflected a lot about this word and what it means and even tried to spin it into a positive. It’s easy to think about all the things you wish you could have done or said to your loved one, but as I sat and wrote this I thought of the thousands of memories of my dad and it completely outweighs the few changes I would make. I love my dad and I know that he loved me. So when it comes down to it I don’t regret anything. Find the joy, find the memories, find the laughter, and finally find the love. 

Ok, really just one more thing…I love when a story comes full circle. I had the opportunity to coach my twins baseball team with my dad and brother. While I loved just about every second of it, I think they begrudgingly came along because it was important to me. While I can’t remember how many games we won or lost, if I am being honest with myself it was likely more losses. I will remember the happy memories made with three generations of ball players. I am so happy that I was able to share my love of baseball with my dad, brother, and sons." 

When he was done, he tucked the baseball he had been holding into Carl's open casket with him and he played a photo montage of Carl that he made. Carly tucked a picture she had drawn of herself in the casket as well for Carl to have. It's a picture of her under a rainbow and she's saying, "I miss you Papa

:("

When the video ended, we were invited to share memories of Carl and I went first. (Josh and I had agreed to this so people would feel free to come up.) I shared two stories about Carl that meant a lot to me. The first was from when we lived in the village in Alaska and Carol & Carl came to visit. Carol was so happy to see the grandkids, and she and Carl fit right in in the village. Making due with what we had on hand; filling totes with water when the water was shut off to the housing units we lived in; baking bread and tortillas from scratch... Whatever the challenge, they were up for it. But what I remember most is that once we got to the house, Carl started rifling through Carol's carry-on bag, and he pulled out two maple donuts from a grocery store in the lower 48 that he had bought and carried over three flights and thousands of miles simply because I had mentioned what I missed most was donuts with my coffee. That was Carl. Surprising and thoughtful. The other story I shared was one Josh had relayed to me. He was at his parents house one weekend early in the year and was sharing with them that I was nervous beyond all get out about my upcoming double classes (I had been taking only one class and felt I was drowning, I wasn't sure how I'd possibly manage two classes) and Carl said, "Shelly??? Oh, she'll be fine!" His confidence in my ability surpassed my own and I took comfort in his belief in me. He always loved me, supported us, and made me want to be better. After everyone shared their memories, Carl's oldest grandsons (Ethan, Isaac, Gustav, Archie, Logan and Jack) carried his casket out to the hearse. We followed the car the short distance on foot to the plot where Carl would be laid to rest. In the photos of the boys carrying Carl's casket, you may notice one of my nephews (Gustav) is wearing an old football jersey. That was Carl's. He played football in high school, and so does Gustav. I absolutely loved that he wore it to honor his Papa. And how neat that Carl still had it.

At the cemetery, they lowered Carl into the ground and we all took turns crying. I just can't believe he is gone. I am so sad for him, and everyone, that he didn't get more time.

Doing... all the laundry this week as life carried on after the viewing and funeral. With cousins and family in town, we let the kids take the week off from school. I think that the family time was much needed and we were all happy to be together.

Getting... back into baseball games and practice after missing a few. And also getting back into homework after taking a few days off for the funeral. These double classes are killing.me.softly and I cannot wait for summer. One more month. One more month. One more month.

Enjoying... the lilacs that are blooming (finally!) on our lilac tree, and feeling so grateful we planted it right away when we moved in. The smell of those blossoms when we sit on the porch (or when I cut some and bring them inside) is just the best parts of spring.

Loving... how good my boys are with my sister's kids. They love whatever babies/toddlers/kids she has around and are so patient and kind. And really, I would say that they look forward to time with the babies most of all. I have to say that having teenagers is so surprising in many ways. My boys' love of babies and their natural inclination to help are two things that always surprise me in the best ways.

Angry... that three of my four children saw the spider in Carly's hairbands' container and did nothing to remedy the situation or to WARN ME ABOUT IT! (In case you can't tell, I have a small spider phobia...) When I complained to Jack about it (and made a household rule that if you see a spider you are required to kill it or get someone else to kill it) he poured out the bands and killed the spider. My hero. Haha!

Attending... counseling and basically just word vomiting all over. Haha. Thankfully she doesn't mind and she gently reminded me that during this busy and emotional season that I should be sure I am getting enough sleep and drinking enough water. I love how she is there for me, and challenges me when necessary, but seeing her every two weeks really just feels like an hour hanging out with a girlfriend. I see her on my computer via Doctor on Demand and I highly recommend it. With my insurance it's roughly $20 each time I see her. Totally worth it for my growth and sanity.

***