around here: week 21 2020

{May 17-23rd}

{Daddy's home!}

{pc: Carly}

{pc: Carly}

{pc: Carly}

{flashback to the first night Ramona slept with Wyatt}

Rejoicing... that Josh is home for good now that his sister's house is ready to go on the market.  It listed on Friday and had 3 showings that day! Her family will be moving here when it sells, and I can't wait to have more family here.

Reading... history aloud to the kids and almost finished with the first book in the series. We really enjoy that time every morning and I plan on continuing it throughout the summer.  (There are four books in the series.)  I also read Things You Save In A Fire & How To Not Die Alone for my Book of the Month readathon weekend, finishing with four total books in four days.

Taking... Carly to her annual eye appointment and donning our masks.  This was our first time out of the house since quarantine started other than picking up lunches at Wyatt's school in the van.  It was surreal to be out in the world, everyone masked up, aware of every.single.surface Carly touched, worrying about her touching her mask.
She did a great job, I was so proud, and we picked out the CUTEST glasses for her new prescription. I can't wait to show you all.

Deciding... it's time to put our kitty Ramona down.  She's had a bladder infection that won't heal for months now, and after two rounds of different medications she is still sick and has been getting sicker. As her mama, I just know, it's time.
Making this decision has been really hard. Telling the kids, too, was really hard.  There has been lots of tears, hugs & last memories made with her.

Hearing... confirmation that my aunt has COVID.  She is the first person I know personally to have it, and I just can't believe it.  Thankfully it's a mild case, but it is scary nonetheless.

Laughing... nearly everyday at Carly's Quarantine Fashun.  Girl is on.point. with her outfits everyday, and I've just given up caring.  I mean, at this point, why bother?!?
Also laughing at how she loves to watch her tablet inside Grady's crate.  She's such a goof!

Chatting... with my doctor during a Webex appointment (think Zoom for doctors) about my recent avocado allergy (and setting up an appointment to see an allergy doctor for further testing) and also taking advantage of the appointment to discuss my current mental health with him. (To read all the details, see my Instagram post here) We decided I would try adding Buspar daily to help with my anxiety, and increase my Prozac from 30mg to 40mg to help with my OCD/cyclical health worry thinking and feeling down. I walked away feeling so much better, and hopeful for the future.

Working... everyday on with Wyatt on his big tribe comparison project/slide show.  He's been working so hard on it, and I can't wait until he's done! Hah!

Grateful... for a husband who knows how to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.  The day I took Ramona to the vet to have her put down was (obviously) really hard for me.  When I got home, the tears just kept on falling, they wouldn't quit.  I cried off and on all day, and to try and put a smile on my face, he hung the outdoor lights we got for the back patio!  I am so excited to have these lights for when we do fires in the firepit and when we hang out out there once the kids are in bed. It was just the sweetest gesture.

Loving... Carly's art lately.  Josh's favorite phase of kids' art is when their legs come straight from the head, and that's where Carly is right now, and I have to agree- it is the cutest. She draws all the time, pictures of our family, or of me and her and Josh, and it just melts my heart.
I also love how she is all.about.the.stuffed.animals.  She sleeps with no less than twenty stuffed animals every night (am I alone in this?) despite how much I try to help her cut back, and she alternates favorites. I especially love when she feeds them or dresses them.

Learning... of my sister's friend who lost her baby, born too soon, and feeling so broken hearted and terrible that I can't do anything to fix it.  I am praying for them, hoping that God will bless them with a rainbow baby someday... like Carly was to us... but knowing that the darkness in the meantime is thicker and more lonely and empty than anything they've likely ever experienced. It is so hard. Just so hard.  And I'm so sorry any time I hear of anyone I know having to live through it.

Using... Storyline Online for the younger two to keep them entertained while I'm working with the twins on school work, and feeling so thankful for it. If you haven't checked it out, I highly recommend it.  It's a collection of famous people reading storybooks for children online.  Super cool.  All four of my kids love it.

Receiving... an encouraging text from my old neighbor & friend Barb after I posted about talking to my doctor about my anxiety & medications, saying, "Hang in there girl.  These are rough waters, the boat is heavy with precious cargo none more precious than you. You are their anchor and their sail."
My eyes immediately welled with tears. It was like someone finally nailed exactly what I am trying to do here.  I am trying to be both the sail that wind uses to keep us moving, but also the weighted anchor that everyone clings to in times of trial, and if that's not an impossible task, I don't know what is.
So mama's, if you feel like what you're doing is impossible, you're right. It is. So make sure you take care of you. You are some of that precious cargo, too.  Barb said so!

***

On & Off Prozac

So, I wanted to share on here a little bit about my experience with Prozac.  I went on Prozac last November.  September and October were horrible.  It started with concerns about my health, and turned into me crying everyday when Josh went to work.  I developed severe anxiety coupled with total loss of interest in my life.  It was bad.

I started at 20mg once a day November 1st.  I upped it to 40mg in January when I still wasn't feeling better.  I was also consistently taking Ativan as needed for panic and anxiety.  I would say I took at least one dose a day, but often more.

While on Prozac I experienced minimal side effects.  Hunger, tiredness & sleeplessness were most noticeable.  Ironically, tiredness during the day and sleeplessness at night-- annoying. But those both could be attributed to the depression as well.  I was also ravenous, which was nice after having no appetite, but not so great when it came to the numbers on the scale.

I started feeling better, bit by bit, around the new year, and better each week progressively.  My slow & steady progress made the side effects worth the pain.

In addition to the Prozac & Ativan, I began an exercise regimen and therapy with a counselor.  I also had my vitamin D tested when I was at the doctor in Anchorage in January, and it was really low.  To up my levels, I took 50,000 IUI every week for twelve weeks.  (Now I take 2000 IUI daily to maintain.)

By March I was feeling a lot better, and by May I would say I felt like my old self again.  I was no longer taking Ativan for acute anxiety and my vitamin D was back at normal levels thanks to my treatment.  After arriving in Vancouver I decided I wanted to wean off the Prozac.  They say that staying on for at least six months is best, and for me it had been seven. 

I started in mid-June by cutting my dose in half, to 20 mg, for two weeks.  Then I cut that dose in half, to 10 mg, for two weeks.  And finally I took 10mg every other day for five weeks.  During that time I experienced pretty minimal side effects.

Since quitting fully I've had strange eye sensations and dizziness; what felt like zings (or lightening strikes) in my brain; waves of nausea and some feelings of being outside my body.  These effects were worst from the first week completely off Prozac through five weeks post Prozac.  So it was about a month of suffering.

Coming off of it has been mind over matter.  I would get a wave of nausea, or start to feel dizzy, and I'd just tell myself, "Your body misses Prozac.  It will be better soon."

I felt called to share my journey with antidepressants (both getting on them and getting off them) because when I went to look up side effects of coming off Prozac, I struggled to find helpful information.  I wanted to know what side effects I might face and for how long.  Basically I wanted to know, "Is this normal?"

I believe so much in sharing my story.  In being open and vulnerable.  If I can give hope to the hopeless, if I can help one person through this horrific lonely journey, then my hardship will be worth it.

"If you want to change the world, pick up your pen."

-Martin Luther

And lastly, a little friendly advice:

If you are experiencing depression, don't be afraid to use medication.  

Don't be afraid to find a counselor.

And don't be afraid to reach out.  

14.8 million Americans suffer depression every year.  

Chances are you know someone else who is going through the same thing.

And if you are experiencing anxiety, I recommend

Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes

She will walk you, gently, through everything you need to know to survive.

For sufferers of both anxiety & depression, I suggest

The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns

After getting through the worst of it with Dr. Weekes' book (see above),

Dr. Burns book will teach you how to change your thinking & change your life!

A year ago, my emotional life was in a downward spiral. I would wake many days in tears and end many days in tears.  Here I am, twelve months later, with renewed hope for healing & zest for life, cliche as that may sound.  Whatever you do, if you too are suffering, don't give up.  

You can get better.

*

A few sites that helped me coming off Prozac:

Going Off Antidepressants 

When & How to Come Off Antidepressants

Prozac Withdrawal Symptoms

Fluoxetine Withdrawal