around here: week 21 2021

 {May 16-22nd}

Inviting... Logan & Jack's best friends over to swim.  Easton & Channing are also identical twins.  In their family they are #3 & #4 whereas Logan & Jack are #1 & #2.  Those boys are all like peas in a pod.  They're so good and have so much fun together.  I love their unique friendships. 

Enjoying... the twins' cooking.  They are making more and more dinners each week, and it brings me such happiness! They love cooking, (and I really don't!) so it's win/win!  

Going... to the doctor with Carly to talk to him about my muscle pain in my legs.  She played so well while we were there.  And I got some medicine to help with the pain I've been dealing with.  

Agonizing... over the sunburn all three boys have from last weekend.  They were cleaning the pool but they never got back out to put on sunscreen before spending the afternoon swimming.  Logan got the worst of it.  His turned into blisters all across his shoulders and back, and even gave him something called Hell's Itch, which I had never heard of before.  He woke up in the night with an intense itch under the sunburn, but the blisters were not anywhere near healing, so scratching them was agonizing.  He was near tears when he woke me up with this itching. 

Struggling... through these last weeks of school.  It feels like it will never end, and I am running out of steam. So are the kids. 

Running... errands with Carly and enjoying our alone time.  I know it's quickly shrinking with summer on it's way with brothers home full time. 

Taking... Carly on a bike ride one afternoon during a panic attack. My sister encouraged me to get out of the house and move my body in an attempt to overcome the physical symptoms.  It was really effective and I was grateful for the good advice. 

Going... on a walk with Josh after we laid the kids down one evening.  It was exactly what I needed. 

Shocked... that Josh has read more books than me so far this year! I have really slowed my reading down, focusing on other things, and he has amped up his reading this year.  He has a commute to work, so he uses that time to listen to audiobooks and that has him racking up books like nobody's business.  It's bringing out the competitive side of me. hehe. I'm hoping I can catch up in the summer. 

Looking... back on the twins' infancy & childhood as we approach their birthday next month.  Gosh they were so darn cute!!

Finding... Carly asleep in the hallway one night as Josh and I were headed to bed. I'm not sure what she was doing there, but it made me giggle. 

Contemplating... raising our kids without church, and deciding that it is the right thing for us. Every once in a while I wonder if our kids will miss out on certain things because we don't go to church.  But the risk that they may not know something about religion or the bible is worth knowing for sure that I am the only one pumping ideas & morals into them. (sidenote: if church works for you/your family, I am happy for you.  It's just not what's right for us.)

Freaking... out when I had a lip twitch that wouldn't quit on Friday.  I had already been having anxiety this week, and that was the final straw.  I gave in to temptation and medical googled, finding that lip twitches can be a sign of ALS, so I was convinced that I had ALS.  (Re-reading this to myself, it sounds ridiculous, but in the moment of my health anxiety, I always actually believe I have whatever I have convinced myself matches my symptoms. It's exhausting.)
This feeling triggered a full on panic attack and I broke down in sobs, exhausted after a week of anxiety and it's physical symptoms.  Wyatt and I had been watching Cars 3 together and I told him I was just having an anxiety flare up. I am never sure how to handle the kids when I am feeling that way... but I find honesty tends to be the best policy.  So I just told him I was worried about my twitch and it was giving me anxiety.  He hugged me and told me he was sorry I felt bad. We took turns soaking our feet in epsom salts and soon I started to feel better. 

Listening... to the "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast by Glennon Doyle & her sister, and loving it. Now every Tuesday I look forward to the new podcast they put out. 

Sending... the twins off to my parents house for the weekend, and enjoying a day with just my two littles.  We decided to take advantage of it just being the three of us, and went to the movies.  We saw Raya and The Last Dragon, which was so cute! And we enjoyed popcorn and candy and slushees.  It was so special. 

Feeling... like the fun mom when I said yes to Wyatt and Carly playing video games in the arcade area of the movie theater when our movie ended.  I love when I feel like the fun mom.  

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Living with Lizards

I have found the last few months that living with my anxiety has been quite tolerable.  It still comes and goes, but it doesn't scare me the way it did before.  When it rears its ugly head, I've been reminding myself what my favorite counselor taught me.  "You have to think of your anxiety as a lizard to live with, not as a dragon to slay."

I tell myself, "You're feeling anxious.  You're worried.  And that's okay."  Then I carry on as though my anxiety weren't there.  I remember to move slowly, at a normal pace and to stay occupied so the thoughts don't take over.  

I try to step back and watch my thoughts (mostly they're actually worries, like "What if Logan's medication doesn't stop his seizures," or "How will we afford the roof the house will need soon?") and see the thoughts like leaves flowing gently down the river.  I watch them come and go and try not to let them seize control of my brain.

This week I'm hoping to add daily meditation (using the Calm app) to my anxiety tool box.  What tricks do you use to combat panic attacks, worry & anxiety?

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My Walk In Life

The last four days my anxiety has reared its head in ways that it hasn't since a year and a half ago.  I've had a bit of a cold.  Post nasal drip, sore ears, congested chest and utter exhaustion.  My mind, racing, overanalyzing every symptom, has convinced me that it is not simply a cold, but cancer.  The anxiety has an impressive ability to make me believe it.  And so for the last couple days I have been convinced of my imminent death.  It probably sounds like I am exaggerating, but I assure you, I am not.  Anxiety is powerful and can quickly take over the more reasonable parts of my mind.  As you can imagine, thinking of my ultimate demise has not made for the best days.  It's been scary, depressing and hopeless.

Yesterday I sat in Josh's easy chair during quiet time praying, begging God, to please release me from this constant fear.  I just want to live my life unafraid.  As I prayed, a bible location was whispered in my ear.  I assure you that I am not the type to know where certain things are in the bible.  I can tell you many a bible story, but not where they are located.

"Psalm 131," the voice whispered.

Psalm 131.

I wasn't even sure Psalm had 131 chapters.  But I opened my Precious Moments bible that I got as an 8 year old from my parents and flipped to Psalms.  I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

Psalm 131

Simple Trust in the LORD

... surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,

like a weaned child with his mother...

The antidote to my anxiety is trust.  

The cure for my fear is hope.

After my bible verse experience, I decided that I needed to admit that my anxiety was real, and likely here to stay for a while.  So as I prepared for bed, I lay in the sheets and re-read my favorite anxiety book.  (It's maybe sad that I have a favorite anxiety book... but I choose to look at it as great that I have such a tool in my arsenal.)  What struck me were these underlined passages:

"You are trying to find your way back to the person you used to be.  You can recover and enjoy life again."

"[Anxious] people have physical symptoms as a more or less constant background to their days."

Face // Accept // Float // Let Time Pass

"But it is not easy to face, accept and let time pass."

"Sleep is an excellent healer."

"Calm acceptance, despite delayed recovery, is your goal."

"In the meantime she must be occupied and let each day pass without watching her own reactions and analyzing her feelings."

"It is important only to realize that tomorrow is another day and could be the best yet, however upsetting yesterday or today may have been."

And finally, the third inspiration I had to make today a better day was this quote:

I only have today.

Hell is being somewhere when you wish you were somewhere else.  I have two months left here in the village.  Two months of homeschooling, caring for my family and being a wife.  I don't want every one of those days to be miserable.  Even though I am really excited to see my family, desperate to be in the city, surrounded by my people after the year of heartache I have had, I don't want to waste our days in the meantime.  So I woke up today, determined to make the best of my Tuesday.  And so far, I'm off to a great start.

I'm not sure why my walk in life has had to include anxiety.  Everyday I wish I didn't have it.  But the fact is, I do.  I pay too much attention to my body; I am terrified of dying; and I suffer panic attacks at the most inopportune times (like while going through security at the airport).  But I am grateful in this journey to have God; amazing professionals like my counselor, and Claire Weekes; as well as both friends & family who help see me through it.

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