Been a while. I've been having a rough go of it lately, and unfortunately I can't go into detail (or just don't want to), but suffice to say that some stuff has been going on that has been stressing me out big time. It's taking energy away from me that I don't have to give, and it's distracting me from things I don't want to be taken away from.
Like these guys.
Last week going to work was rough. I have been so tired, the boys have been waking up at 5am for a while now and it's starting to wear me out. I just want to be home, feeding them, playing with them, putting them down for naps in their cozy bed on these rainy days... Plus we've been working in our classroom with two subs and have yet to get word out that we're hiring. So stress has been at an all time high.
That, and Josh is still looking for work, but the search seems to only grow more bleak with each passing week. Thankfully he is finding lots of substitute work, which is good in the meantime, but provides no hope of me staying home with the boys anytime soon.
I have to fight everyday not to cry about it. To accept that this is where we are, that the boys are very much loved by the grandma's who take care of them, and that this is (for some reason) where God wants me. But that doesn't mean it's easy. It's hard.
And today was hard even though I got to stay home.
I woke up with the boys at 6am (they slept in AN HOUR!) and were really good until 8:30 when I wanted to take a shower so we could go run errands. BIG MISTAKE. I went into the bathroom; killed eight slugs (we have a slug infestation in the bathroom that is HORRIBLE); washed {most of} my body; heard the screaming from the boys; jumped out of the shower; yelled at said boys for fighting over daddy's shoes ("I go get pizza. You stay here," I heard Jack tell Logan, mimicking Josh from a few weeks ago); take said shoes away; jumped back in the shower, scrubbed my face furiously while yelling at the boys to play in their kitchen; lather up my hair; hear more screaming and pleas for "help me"; jump back out of the shower to find them wrestling over a HOT PAD from my kitchen drawer; put both boys in timeout for being obnoxious, not sharing and making me get out of my shower TWICE; jump back in the shower to rinse off; turn off the shower and try to breathe.
Then I put on Signing Time so I could blowdry my hair and do my make up in peace. It worked. Got myself and the boys out the door and into the car where I realized I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. How does that happen?
Then I start driving and was two minutes from the house when Jack started in with "Elmo Song? Elmo Song?!? ELMO SONG!!!!!!" I was instantly thrown into that scene from Big Daddy with Adam Sandler where the kid he is raising wakes up from naptime and wants "Kangaroo Song!!!!!" and Adam Sandler's character gives in and screams, "Alllriiight!!!"
{"Elmo Song" is actually "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. There is an episode of Sesame Street where she sings it with Elmo. The words are changed to "I Don't Know Why 'Y' Didn't Come" and when he heard me play it in the car this summer he yelled, "Elmo Song!" like he couldn't believe it was on our radio. It was so cute, and I still can't believe he remembered it!}
We got to the mall and turned in my new reading glasses to be repaired, visited the puppies at the pet store and did a little shopping at Old Navy. (Found *adorable* blue & green vests for the boys for only $16!) By the time that was over I needed to eat, so I got a sandwhich at Subway and got the boys chocolate milk. We ate in the food court, and (for the first time) the boys sat in the big boy chairs on either side of me. They were so good, and so cute.
Jack loved sitting in the big boys chairs. Mostly he enjoys people watching. I think he gets it from his Nanny!
Logan was signing "chocolate milk" over and over. He was so excited. He kept saying, "Mommy has sandwich. I eat chocolate milk. It's yummy. I like it." Then out of the blue he said, "I love Mommy," and he stood up and hugged me so tight. Then he said, "I love Jack, too."
Then Jack said, "I love mommy, too." And he hugged me.
Our little outing was worth all the headache this morning because of three things: One, their spontaneous hugs, kisses and declarations of love in the food court; Two, they both stayed dry while we were out (!!!); and Three, Logan went potty in a public restroom, which is a huge step for him!
This afternoon I got a much needed break and headed to a family baby shower. It was nice to visit with other mommas, and remember the excitement of my pregnancy. It is easy to forget the joy when I am so bogged down.
Again when I got home this afternoon I was thrust into the trenches of parenthood. Jack had pooped his underwear (diarrhea actually... and what a mess), and I didn't know it until I was taking off his jeans to have him go potty, so it got all over my fingers, his fingers, his legs & his pants. What a mess. Then when we got home from picking up my glasses tonight he peed his pants as I was having Logan go potty. Ugh! It was so frustrating! Two more minutes and he would have been on the potty.
After that we ate dinner "together", pancakes & bacon, and the boys made such a sticky disaster of the table, their booster chairs, and their hair- I just had to laugh. Then I spent the twenty minutes Josh had them in the tub scrubbing down the entire dining room, which was smeared with peanut butter & syrup.
No one tells you about this part of parenting. No one really sits down and says, "So you wanna have kids? How do you feel about waking up four times a night for the first year, twice a night for the second year and up for the day at 5am everyday for the third year? How do you feel about never going to the bathroom alone again? What about showering? Do you really like to do that everyday? And how about your furniture? Do you care if there are goldfish under your couch cushions? Do you mind if your kitchen table has a residual stickiness about it? If any of this bothers you, then maybe parenting isn't for you. "
Today was just one of those days... And I know these days will come, but whew... I was ready for bedtime tonight!
