hope and a good future?

 I can't believe how little I have been blogging lately. 

There are a few things to blame for this: 

One is this pregnancy. I am nauseous all the time. It's 24/7 nausea and it's miserable.  I am a little over 12 weeks now and I was hoping I would wake up last Sunday and voila! The nausea would be gone... No such luck.  Instead it is lingering. I never throw up. I don't really believe in throwing up.  But the nausea is enough to keep me feeling pretty low.

And also, I am exhausted. I am so tired, but can never sleep due to back pain and two sleepless toddlers.  My lower back aches all day, everyday.  I'm not sure what the deal is, but it's quite miserable.  And our boys, well, they are waking up in the night again, trying to be 'up for the day' at 3:30am, and are fighting falling asleep at bedtime. Tonight Logan took an hour a half to fall asleep. How am I supposed to get everything done when he's not asleep until 8:30pm and one or the other of them is up before 4:00am?

Another is my stress level. Things around here are just... Well... there are no words. Tiresome, I guess. We both feel like we are living Groundhogs Day over & over again.  We wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed, just to wake up and do it all over again the next day. We're completely broke, feeling depressed, and having a bit of a pity party lately. I guess we both just thought that at this point, Josh would have a full time job, a classroom all his own, and I would be home, taking care of our boys myself. We thought, naively, that all our dreams would come true.

And on top of all that, things at work have been super stressful. First Lisa D. left, then we had two long-term subs, and finally another coworker took the position and I was super excited to work with her. Turned out the classroom did not suit her, and she ended up going back to her old position, which means I am back to having a sub, (who is awesome!) but which means at some point I am going to have a new hire to train. Ugh. And on top of all that, our classroom teacher is out for three weeks, so I am basically in charge at work, and this is so not what I need work to be right now. I need work to be simple.  And I need work to stay at work. But instead I am stressing about it (all the time) and can't get it (and a lot of other things) off my mind.

~

I have cried everyday for the last four days. 

I just want to be at home. I want to be the one feeding the boys lunch, laying them down for naps, and snuggling them as they wake up. I want to be the one reading to them, taking them on adventures and kissing their boo-boo's. Is this too much to ask? I've been doing this whole working-mom thing for nearly three years now. I'm done. I need to be done.  I start to feel claustrophobic. Like I'm stuck in this situation that I can't get out of. I'm like Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs, stuck in some three feet by three feet crevice while cleaning the mechanic parts of a windmill, and wishing I was anywhere but here.

~

After having all these thoughts go through my head... the reasons I have for my fabulous pity-party, I stop. I take stock of my life.  And God, in His infinite wisdom, gives me a little perspective. And in His grace, forgives me for forgetting.

I am blessed.

I am able to work.

I am able to bring home a paycheck.

Together, Josh and I are able to pay the bills.

Maybe we can't buy all we want, but so far we have been able to purchase all that we need.

My children are healthy.

My marriage is healthy.

I am, in the big scheme of things, one lucky girl.

But it's hard not to long for more.

It's hard not to ache, daily, for more time with those boys.

It's hard not to want Josh's hard work to pay off.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a good future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, help me remember that in these seemingly dark days.