3.09.2016

Struggling

Josh and I have spent every evening this week Face Timing and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of as he works to wrap up five years of living in Marshall.  That's right.  Our adventure in rural Alaska is over.  

Now we are on to the difficult tasks of: finding a job elsewhere and downsizing all our earthly belongings into the number of blue Rubbermaid totes we have in our laundry room in Marshall.  

Last night as we sat sorting through the boys' homeschool stuff, Josh in our dining room in Alaska, me in my in-law's upstairs office-turned-bedroom in Washington nursing Carly, I burst into tears.  This is hard.  It's hard being away from him.  It's hard "packing" while I'm not there.  It's hard to have someone else (even if it's your beloved husband) sort through things for you.  It's hard to make the decisions I'm having to make.  

But just when I was feeling really down about the whole thing, I thought how lucky I am, really, that I am here and he is there.  Because if I was there, I'd have been doing the sorting & packing all myself instead of holding our sweet baby daughter.  If I was there, we'd have to take into account what the kids and myself would need to use/play with for the next three months.  Since it's just Josh there, he can sort and sell and pack whatever he wants cause we're not there to need it.  These are the silver linings I'm clinging to.

I'm not the only one struggling and wishing for this school year to be over.  Last night Wyatt wandered into my room around 10pm, tears in his eyes, looking for a lap to climb into.  I shifted little sister to one side and hugged them both tight while we all cried a bit.  He's just "sad dad's not here" he says.  That's all.  And there's nothing I can do to fix it. So I hug him.  And I cry with him.  And I tell him that I agree... It stinks.

We're on the downhill slide-- he'll be home for a visit soon and then we only have two months more... but honestly it feels like it'll be forever till we're living together again.  And if it feels like forever to me... I can't imagine how it feels for Wyatt or his brothers.  

I guess I keep expecting it to hurt less, for me to miss him less, for it to suck less... but it doesn't.  I haven't gotten used to being without him.  I still hate it.  And that makes each day feel particularly long.

I'd appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement as we push through this last bit of time being apart.  Not knowing what the future holds for our family is stressful; and days like yesterday & today, being apart feels simply unbearable.  


3 comments:

Holly said...

Aw that does sound like it would be hard. I wondered what the plan was for next year - I'm interested to hear how the story unfolds. :) I know it'll all work out and I'm sure the summer will be that much sweeter after your long separation. (Not to diminish the hardness of the present, of course.) Hugs!!!

Marilynn Raatz said...

Great silver linings honey, but it must be hard. I've never had to do that. And missing Josh, you and the kids....hugs for you all.

MoiraMia said...

What a great quote by Johnny. Charming AND wise? Who knew? You find the best stuff!

I have always loved the English language. Finding the best words to communicate what the heart feels. But the older I get, the harder it is. Sometimes a hug says it best: you are wonderful, you are strong, I admire you and will stand beside you through this hard time. I'm thankful that you have those four precious children to hug, cuddle & snuggle until Josh gets back. You are literally surrounded by love. And you have a huge fan club out here. You know lots of prayers are being said for your whole family.

It is ok to medicate with chocolate, you know. ;-) It helps all kinds of pain. Soon you will have a new adventure for all 6 of you, together. Sounds exciting! Anything will be better because you will all be together, right?
You can do this. You have survived and triumphed through really hard things. You've got this. Better days are coming for all of you!