Raising... kids, and all that entails. Currently for me, it means Carly waking up earlier than usual, which isn't great because I teach three times a week in the early hours of the morning. It means being grateful that Wyatt is well, which hasn't been the norm for the last two months, and searching for an allergy doctor who can get him in sooner than the end of August (which feels like a lifetime away!) because we think seasonal allergies are currently playing a role in his asthma exacerbation and some testing would show us how to best help him. It means taking care of Jack 24/7 the last few days as he was down Sunday through Wednesday this week with a nasty fever and sinus infection that would not let up. He was truly miserable, poor guy. And lastly, it means walking Logan through two seizures this week (one at home and one at school); calling the neurologists office to check in because of the increase in seizure activity; and figuring out his new prescription increase with the pharmacy & insurance. Luckily he has an aura headache before the seizures start, so he was able (on Sunday) to ride home before it struck, and in class (on Monday) he was able to sit down in his seat before it started. They are also very short seizures, so that's great, but they tend to leave him with a headache as well, so that's a bummer. But the good news is that we are up to 75mg now and 100mg is the current goal, so we're getting closer to his dose. Slowly but surely.
Living... that baseball LIFE! The boys had games Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday this week. It was crazy! The hardest part is what to make for dinner. This week we had nachos, grilled cheese, chicken wraps & hot dogs. Not the healthiest, but at least we didn't eat out! With Jack sick, I stayed home Monday & Tuesday, but the whole family packed up and went out Wednesday & Thursday cheering on the brothers. The twins game was canceled for thunder mid-way through on Wednesday, but Wyatt's game finished in the hot, hot sun Thursday night. I am just so proud of how far those three little boys have come since their first seasons in Vancouver back in 2015!
Learning... flexibility. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm gaining from having two kids with serious medical/health issues and one of the main things I think God is teaching me is flexibility. There was a time when I would buck (very hard!) against plans changing or things not going as I had envisioned them, and while I sometimes still struggle, I am definitely more able to change ideas in my head and go with the flow than I used to be. For instance, I had pictured our week with all of us at all the baseball games, but with Jack sick, instead I was home with him and Carly half the week. I was proud of myself because I was able to embrace that extra time at home instead of being grumpy about what I couldn't control. I gave Carly an extra long bath, got ahead on laundry and enjoyed a little quiet time with them. It wasn't what I had planned, but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy it. Progress, my friends!
Loving... the new windows Josh installed last weekend. He has now installed new windows in the entire house with only one window remaining (in the garage) that he plans to do this weekend. They look amazing and you can really tell a difference in how hot and cold the house stays in the different seasons. The new ones are in the boys' room and the office. They look fantastic!!!
Being... that mom who drives to school after letting Wyatt & Logan ride their bikes to school to see if they made it safely. Ha! I drove them Monday & Tuesday, but by Wednesday they had wore me down and I said yes, they could ride without Jack, who was still home sick. So about ten minutes later I went and checked the bike rack to make sure their bikes & helmets were there. #noshame
I hate to admit that I rely on Jack as much as I do, but the fact is, he's the healthy one. He doesn't have seizures or asthma, and he's super responsible. So when the three of them ride together, I don't worry.
Enjoying... book club with my girls. Man do I love that time out each month, talking mom life with them. They make me feel sane and I always get a good laugh. It's so good for my soul.
Attending... the last MOPS meeting of the year. My MOPS group has been so amazing and supportive and I am so grateful for the friendships I have made there. It's been a really hard year for me with Logan's seizures changing and Wyatt's hospitalization and asthma diagnosis, and those ladies have been there for me, praying for me, and lifting me up when I need them most. I am sad the year is over, but I know that our friendships will last a lifetime.
Working... in the yard! It feels amazing to actually work in the yard with a two year old! But now that the fence is done, Carly is stuck in the yard with me (no escaping into the street!) and I can get so much done! I weeded the front flower beds, moved some old pavers we no longer wanted (uncovering some super cool ant tunnels) and planted some pretty sage bushes our neighbor gave us. I felt so accomplished when I was done! I love thinking of how much I am going to be able to accomplish this summer now that I have the gate to help me keep Carly safe while I work!
Sharing... with my counselor about my road to acceptance. He said on the very first day we met that the most important thing I could do for my anxiety (and my life) was accept things as they are. Namely, he was speaking to Wyatt's asthma and Logan's epilepsy. If I can accept that these things exist in my life, then I can start to manage them in my life, and stop trying to control them.
There's a big difference, he says, between managing and controlling. I can manage my anxiety, I can manage Wyatt's asthma, I can manage Logan's epilepsy. I cannot control my anxiety or Wyatt's asthma or Logan's epilepsy. It's a fine line, the difference between the two, but it's an important one. And the first step between the two is acceptance.
Acceptance came for me in a sudden decision to order the boys ID bracelets. Josh and I got new phone numbers a while back and the boys needed new ID bracelets because of that. With the ID bracelets came the decision to put Logan & Wyatt's diagnosis on them. ASTHMA. EPILEPSY. There it was. In black & white. No denying it now.
They came in the mail this week. And I'm not going to lie. Opening them was hard. Seeing those bands and handing them to our sweet boys was hard. But also good. It was the last step I needed in accepting that this is our life.
The other thing I talked to my counselor about is how in the last two weeks I've really noticed gratitude cropping up in my thoughts. When something is going wrong, I find that I am thinking, "at least..." For instance, on Monday when the car battery was dead I found myself thinking I was grateful this was the first time this had ever happened and "at least I know our neighbor Doug will come help me!" cause he's the best! Finding things to be grateful for amidst less than stellar circumstances helps me keep perspective.
Trying... to keep steady myself regardless of what's going on around me. Another thing that is helping me keep my head on straight is deciding that I'm going to be the eye of the storm. No matter how crazy things are getting in our household, I am trying really hard to maintain my self care (sleep, journaling, self care time) and stay on an even keel. So this week when Jack was running a mysterious fever and Logan had two seizures, I did what needed to be done (phone calls, doctor appointments, what have you), and felt my feelings as they came, but tried not to jump on the roller coaster myself. It was effective and I ended the week far less exhausted than I would have been in the past.
Grateful... for my village. My mother-in-law came to the rescue Tuesday when she happened to be in town for the day and was able to watch Jack & Carly so I could go see my counselor (which I desperately needed) as well as take Jack to the doctor without Carly, which was a double bonus. Josh's Aunt Lynne & Uncle Paul surprised us with dinner this week, which was such an unexpected blessing. I received a lot of encouragement this week from Facebook & Instagram as well, and I can't tell you how much those positive, encouraging words mean to me on the hard days. My friend Tania's words in particular meant so much to me, saying I was exactly the type of person Logan needs to be able to deal with his seizures. Tania's words reminded me that God chose me for this. That is something I've carried with me in my heart all week. These recent trials with Logan & Wyatt's health are not tests from God, but are merely part of the path He knew I was strong enough for. What a blessing to have friends who are there to remind us when we forget our own strength and purpose.
Reading... and finishing Brain on Fire and One Thousand Gifts. Brain on Fire was a quick, fascinating read. Think a medical episode of 20/20 turned into a book. It was fascinating. This was my second time through One Thousand Gifts, and I swear at this point, there is something underlined on nearly every page. My favorite quote I discovered this time is this: "This is the trust I lack: to know that if disaster strikes, He carries me even there." Gah, Voskamp's writing is like poetry, and I just love it. I started The Queen of Hearts, which is on Modern Mrs. Darcy's Summer Reading List, and so far I am loving it! It's like ER or Grey's Anatomy in a book, and the cover is gorgeous! It's so lovely to be reading again after a month of not reading. I feel like I'm slipping back into my soul after a long break.
Obsessing... over Modern Mrs. Darcy's Summer Reading List. I purchased some of them on Amazon, and put a few on hold via Overdrive so I can listen to them on audio. I also added some to my "To be Read" list on Pinterest- the ones that looked good, but not un-put-down-able. I keep going back to it, as I've read so many of her picks over the years and have rarely been disappointed! One of the ones on her list I already read (The Great Alone) and I agree with her that it is such a good read! So if you're only going to choose one this summer, I highly recommend that one!
Compiling... a Summer Reading list of my own. I have the few I chose from Modern Mrs. Darcy's list, as well as some I've been hanging onto for summer, and a few I've picked up at Safeway (they always have the best books tempting me as I line up to pay!) I'll be sharing my picks soon!
Pushing... away sad feelings that school lets out in two weeks! I don't know what I am going to do with the kids home all summer! Ahhhh!!!! #prayforme #threeboysistoomany #somuchfighting
Working on.... a post about Carly at 26 months and an April and May reading post, as well as a Summer Reading Post. Super excited about all the bookish posts coming up! I'm such a book nerd!
Volunteering... in Logan's class Friday to help them make pioneer rag dolls. I forgot I had volunteered and was grateful Logan reminded me it was that day. When I got there, the school's clocks were all off and he said he was so glad I was there, he had worried I wasn't coming cause he didn't know what time it was. He hugged me and was so glad to see Carly. He was so sweet. I was really glad I made the effort to go and volunteer even though it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to be doing with the little bit of time I had the morning of an early release day. His smile and sweet gratitude made me happy I had done it.