Best for them...

We've decided that this fall we will be enrolling all three Cunningham boys in public school.  This is a hard fought decision, made with much prayer and thought, and a huge pro/con list.  But what it boils down to is they're ready for it.  The bummer is, I'm not.  I'm not ready to have three kids in school.  I'm not ready for our days to be spent apart.  But it's not about me.  It's about them.

So I am going to take a deep breath and let go.  I'm going to let go because Logan & Jack are ready for recess and friendship and cafeteria lunch.  I'm going to let go because Wyatt is ready for choice time and calendar and following his kindergarten teachers' rules.  I'm going to let go not because it's easiest for me, but because it's best for them.

This winter when Carly joined our family, homeschooling became very challenging.  Nearly impossible.  I found I had lost my zeal for teaching and my patience.  Being a nice "teacher" made it very difficult to be a nice "mom".  It zapped my energy and left me feeling empty.  My desire in homeschooling was to make it a positive, loving, fulfilling learning environment, and if I'm being honest (which I strive to do here in this space) it wasn't anymore.

I (obviously) reserve the right to go back to homeschooling at any point, because it is something that worked for us and we had some great times together, but I am moving towards fall ever hopeful that the boys will grow and learn and be challenged, and that I can continue letting go, because that's what's best for them.

***

Currently...

(Jack is SO good with Carly. He even holds her during school!)

Last week I organized homeschool stuff to kind of figure out where we're at and it turns out we will be done by the end of May.  I am so excited for the break.  And pretty pleased that despite several breaks (some for mental health & others for physical health) we will still finish up before June.

Homeschooling since adding #4 to our family has been really challenging.  We are definitely contemplating public school for all three boys next year (third grade for the twins & kindergarten for Wyatt), but a lot of our decision making will depend on where we end up living.  In the meantime, I am determined to finish out the year strong.

Carly has started crying when she needs to sleep.  Not so fun, but it makes her need for a nap obvious.  So I swaddle her and rock furiously until she passes out. I'm hoping this is just a phase!  It makes homeschooling a bit of a challenge if she needs to sleep while I'm teaching.

 We are full on into baseball season.  The twins are on a team together and Wyatt's on a team.  This means we have baseball at least four nights a week, sometimes five nights a week.  Luckily we all enjoy it, and I've made friends with moms on both teams, which makes it more fun for me!

That said, we're all really excited for Josh to get here so he can help out with running kids to games and practice and getting dinner on the table.

 Despite her day-time sleep-fighting, Carly's night sleep is still as awesome as ever. Currently she's sleeping 10:30 to 6:30.  Although last night she was up at 3:00 and ate a little.  But even when she wakes up, it's just to eat and she's right back to sleep.  The only downside to this long sleep is that she nurses a LOT in the morning and a LOT in the evening. But it's totally worth it!

 I have officially lost 15 pounds since starting Shakeology April 4th.  I've also lost 5 inches around my middle! And I'm in a size 14 jeans again!  I do a quick workout each day and drink a shake instead of having breakfast or a morning snack.   In my shake I usually put peanut butter, strawberries & a banana along with almond milk.  Super yummy!  Other than that, I'm just eating healthier and trying to keep my calories down & my activity up.  I feel great and am so happy to be heading in the other direction on the scale.

 Carly got a stuffed bear named Carly Bear from my aunt. Wyatt has taken her on his own and re-named her Elizabeth ("Isn't that a beautiful name, mom?" he asked) and has slept with her every night since Carly got her.  His favorite thing to do is put "Elizabeth" in all of Carly's baby things-- the bouncer, the swing and the car seat. It's so cute.

 ***

We are moving.
Our time in rural Alaska is up.

Here's what moving out of rural Alaska looks like:

{Our Household in its entirety}

{Our Sleep Number Bed, ready to ship}

{The boys' room in our Alaska house}

{Our bedroom in our Alaska house}

Last night Josh wrapped up packing all our earthly possessions into about twenty boxes and totes that will be shipped over the next two weeks.  When he sent me these pictures, I'll be honest. I started crying.  As much as I am ready for our next adventure, I am going to miss that house.  Those memories.  The people.  Seeing the house empty and those boxes stacked up, ready to go, makes it very real to me that we are done there.

I was determined to control the tailspin of emotions that started last night with those pictures, so when I woke up this morning I made plans for a smile-inducing happy morning.  Starting with snuggles from this little cuddle bug.

 Then an early trip to Safeway to get donuts for my crew.

 Good tunes on the radio in our van (which I am still loving!) and a super smiley selfie set us off on the right foot.

And when we got back from getting donuts, I caught this cutie sucking her fingers like my sister used to do.  So precious!

Then I cut myself some fresh lilacs from my mother-in-law's beautiful garden, and got out my first Inspired Readers Book Club read for May. (When I Found You by Catherine Ryan Hyde) I can't wait to start it this afternoon!

 We let the mess be in the boys' room, and enjoyed a lazy morning of cartoons & chocolate milk.

 Then I bathed this little doll and put on one of her summer rompers since it's supposed to be near ninety degrees today!  She smells so fresh & looks adorable!  Hello, baby thighs!

***

I am hopeful this next week (and the one that follows) fly right on by so that Daddy will be here.  I am more than ready to have a hand at dealing with these kiddos and I kinda miss having someone to talk to at night.

A bit fragile

Oh my gosh you guys. 

How has it been nearly a month since I last blogged?  

Time just keeps slipping on by.  

Carly is now nine weeks old and she regularly smiles and coos at us. It melts us one and all.  Josh was just home for a visit along with some medical appointments, and while it was so good to see him, his departures always leave us feeling a bit fragile.

The future for our family is currently unclear.  He's applying for jobs from Alaska to North Dakota to Texas and we're just praying God puts us exactly where we're meant to be.  At this point, as long as we're together under one roof, we'll be happy.

I did manage to figure out Carly's insurance, if not perfectly.  Since I missed the window on signing her up under Josh's health insurance plan at work, I had to sign her up for Washington state health care.  They retro-dated it for me so she's covered from birth forward, which is such a blessing.  But it means finding her a new doctor, at a different clinic and that's bumming me out big time.

I guess most of my time is spent doing the ins and outs raising four kids by myself.  From the minute my eyes open, it's go-go-go.  We're making beds and getting dressed to get downstairs for breakfast.  Then it's a shower for me, getting ready for the day and starting homeschool.

Homeschooling the last month has been kicking my ass.  It's hard.  So so hard.  Feeling torn between taking care of Carly, being patient with the twins, and keeping Wyatt occupied can make my head spin.  My enthusiasm for teaching has taken a turn and at this point we're just checking things off the list.  The one thing we're all still enjoying is read aloud, so we're doing lots of that to keep spirits up.

In more positive news, Carly is doing great.  She's breastfeeding & sleeping like a champ, weighing in at 11 and a half pounds and giving me six hours of sleep at a stretch.  Her being so easy is my biggest blessing.  I just love holding her as she sleeps, wearing her in my sling, and snuggling her as she smiles when she first wakes up.  She's truly my sunshine.  

***

Not Enough

Over the last ten days, I have experienced a feeling of not being enough.  Not how you think... it's not a lack of confidence.  It's more that there's literally not enough of me to go around.  When I am supposed to be homeschooling the twins, I am changing Carly or running her morning bath.  When I am homeschooling the boys, Wyatt has to wait a small eternity for me to come wipe his bum in the bathroom.  When I am nursing Carly, all three boys have to wait for breakfast, lunch or dinner, until I'm done.  

Before now, it's been semi-laughable, the feeling of being pulled in four different directions.  Since they boys got sick (and then passed it on to the baby), it's been less amusing.

Wyatt has ended up in my bed for an extra nebulizer treatment most nights since getting sick.  He's exhausted and needy and emotional, which is challenging at any time, but especially so when I also need to be taking care of the baby.  He has been coughing so hard that he's vomited three times.  Once on the carpet by his bed, once at my mom's house, and once in my brand-spanking-new minivan. Thankfully he hasn't puked in my bed. 

Knock on wood.

His brothers have periodically popped in to my room at night, too, complaining of fever, sore throats and earaches.  In fact, all of this started with Jack coming in one night, unable to stop coughing.  That bout of croup landed him in the ER.  Since I have Carly and we didn't want her exposed to all the germs at the hospital, my mom agreed to take Jack, but I would be lying if I said I didn't cry about it.  I hate not being able to be everything to my children.  I hate having to call on my village for help.  But at this point, it's not about me and what I'm comfortable with (can we say "control freak"???), it's about my kids and making sure that no matter what, I am getting their needs met.  Jack needed to go to the hospital for a breathing treatment and I couldn't take him.  Therefore, my mom took him.  Simple as that.

It's not just doctor visits that are forcing me to call on the help of others.  Errands were tough for a while there, too, while I was recovering from my c-section.   My sister & parents were godsends during that time, bringing me everything from pacifiers & humidifiers to the right cough medicine and milk for breakfast in the morning.  I don't know what I would have done without them.

In addition to doctor visits and errands, I also need periodic childcare.  A lot of times, I need someone to watch a kid or three so I can run errand here, or go to an appointment there.  And some days I even attempt to make dinner (ha!) in which case, this guy needs to be entertained.  One evening I called on Jack to play with his little brother.  His version of babysitting included playing musical chairs (by running on top of the homeschool table chairs, lined up from one end of the room to the other) until Wyatt fell off and bashed his knee on his bed.  

Thankfully Josh's mom does the caretaking for Carly while I cook.  And if she's gone, I just wear her in my ring sling.  But I am telling you, I never feel so overwhelmed as I do at meal time.  Cook, set the table, gather the children, feed the children, feed myself, take care of Carly... it's all too much sometimes!  Not to mention dishes & clean up afterward. 

Since poor Carly got sick two days ago, the pressure to meet her needs has increased tenfold.  I know that breastmilk is the best thing for her, so when she cries, I've been dropping everything to put her to the breast.  I've also been taking time each day to do skin to skin with her in hopes of producing exactly the right milk she needs now that she's sick.  

I've never had a baby so young be sick.  It is heartbreaking.  I got a humidifier for our room, bought a NoseFrida, and am praying like it's going out of style for her to get better.  

It's easier with the older kids cause there are comfort measures (namely medicine) that I can use to help them get well.  With her, it's just a waiting game.  One thing I still need but don't have is a thermometer.  What do you use for your kids?  What brand and style is it & where did you order it?

Without the bigs, I'd like to be able to do this every afternoon:

But until they get a little older, or I get used to having four, I think I'm going to feel like Stretch Armstrong being pushed to his limit, and quiet afternoons like this will be few & far between.

I'm going to try & enjoy these "all at once" moments, cause someday I know there will be the peace & quiet of nothing at all.  And I'll miss this.

***

This Week (Week One Without Daddy)

The last two days have been emotionally tough.  Not for me with the baby, but for me with the big boys.  This guy especially is having a hard time with daddy gone this time. I'm not sure if it's because Josh was home three weeks this time, or if it's because my attention is even further divided now that there are four kids... but it seems that every emotion he has is on steroids.  Happy is HAPPY and sad is SAD.  It's been a challenging week of parenting him. And his brothers, really.

Thankfully our adjustment back to school and life without dad has been pretty seamless.  Josh's mom (we're living with his parents currently) has stepped in big time to help me with meals and laundry and care for the boys and I am healing up from surgery well.  Both those things together have made for a good, routine week following Josh's departure.

But I can feel that each of our boys is on edge emotionally and it hurts my heart for them.  To help, I am trying to keep my expectations clear, my empathy high and my parenting consistent.  It's tough, but I know we'll get through this.

 In more joyful news, sister is gaining weight!  From last week's breastfeeding class to this week's breastfeeding class, she had gained ten ounces!  So she's weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz.  I'm no longer pumping at all or supplementing the pumped breast milk, and she is completely off the nipple shield as well.  So things with Carly & nursing are on the up & up.

 More good news-- she's sleeping!  She goes down around 10 at night and sleeps until 2.  Wakes up and eats and gets changed, then goes back to sleep from 3 to 6am.  It's such a beautiful thing and I am so so grateful.

 She's a great sleeper, but when she's awake, she is so alert!  Everyone comments on it, and I find it's true.  She'll just loooook all around and take it all in.  It's adorable.

Sidenote: I still love dressing her.  Every day.  Even her pajamas get me excited.  I do wonder if it will ever get old... I figure maybe after seven years of dressing a girl I'll get tired of it, since I had only boys to dress for seven years. ;)

Speaking of the twins, they took me out to donuts on Monday with their allowance.  It was completely their idea and it made me feel so loved.  Despite their own emotions about Josh being gone, they've been very aware of my feelings and checking on me to make sure I'm not feeling sad.  It makes me feel like I must be doing something right to be raising such empathetic souls.

And they aren't only good to me.  They are the best brothers to Carly.  They hold her and rock her and talk to her.  They turn the music on her bouncer or tell me when they think she needs to be changed or held or fed.  I am so grateful for them.  Especially since Josh left-- having their hands to help me out is priceless.  

(She likes to keep an eye on me. hehe)

Aside from Carly growing & sleeping, what's currently making me happy is holding her.  This is how I spend my evenings.  I nurse her, then hold her on my chest while she cat naps before bed.  There is truly nothing like holding a sleeping baby.  It's the cure all for bad moods, sadness or anxiety.  She's such a sweet, sweet bundle; and I can't imagine life without her.

Another happy moment from this week?  Josh got me a new phone!!!  He was supposed to get himself a new phone and send me his old one... but instead he surprised me and when I opened the box, instead of finding his old cell phone, I found about ten Bath & Body Works items (lotion, body spray, bubble bath...) and a brand spanking new iPhone6 in rose gold.  All for me.  Cause he loves me.  He got me the one with all.the.memory, so I immediately downloaded all my music and every app I ever wanted.  I am overjoyed!!!  And feeling quite spoiled!

 I rearranged our room this week and put the Tiffany lamp Josh sent from Alaska on my bedside table. It makes me so happy to hang out in our cozy room now, which is good, cause I spend a lot of time in here feeding Miss Carly & tending to her needs!

It's been a busy, emotional week adjusting, but I have to say, I just feel like every suffering we've gone through has been worth it because of her.  Living without Josh is not what I want for myself or our boys (or Carly) but if we had to do it for this school year in order to get Carly here safely, then I say every tear we've shed has been worth it.  She's so perfect and we're all so happy to have her in our lives.  Each of the boys has independently thanked God during bedtime prayers for giving them a sister and getting her here safely.  They may not understand now what their sacrifice is for, but someday they will, and I believe they, too, will say it was worth it.

*** 

As I said, we're back into school and it's going really well.  I am thankful we had such a steady schedule established early on in the year because it has made getting back into the swing of things really manageable.  I sit at the head of the table with the Boppy & Carly, pretty much nursing the entire time.  I am able to multi task and give lessons while keeping sister fed & happy.  I have to be honest, I was scared about homeschooling with a newborn, but it has been beautiful and so easy.  

As easy as homeschool is, hands down my favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Dinner is done and it's a time when we can really unwind.  The boys get cozy in their pajamas and we all take turns holding Carly and reading bedtime stories.  The twins have really stepped up their read aloud game and read the stories most nights.  Often I spend all of bedtime in the rocking chair nursing the baby, but they know the routine and expectations so well, that I'm able to just sit back while they make bedtime happen.  

Their favorite part of the bedtime routine is bedtime prayers.  That's when Carly and I visit each brother's bed and they get to hold her while they pray, then give her snuggles.  They all just melt when I put her on their pillows next to them.  

 (The night I took these pictures, Wyatt had shared his favorite bubba with Carly...)

(It reminded me of this picture of Wyatt with Jack's bubba when he was a newborn.  So sweet!)

 Carly was making the sweetest noises the other night when Wyatt woke up with a headache and when he heard her, he said, "I love those cute noises she makes."  I just love navigating my kids through the love of a new sibling.  There's nothing else quite like it.  

 I love how involved they want to be in her care (like today when I bathed her and the boys took pictures for me) and the questions they have.  Wyatt asked three days ago when I am going to paint Carly's toenails.  I thought it was the cutest question.  And it made me feel like he totally gets why I was excited to have a daughter.  

 All in all, I'd say this first week solo-parenting four kids without Josh went swimmingly.  Sure, there's room for improvement, but I'm pretty darn happy with how it went & am thanking the stars above for such a smooth transition.

***