20 Year Anniversary

{pc: my grandpa jerry}

Josh and I celebrated our twenty year dating anniversary last weekend.

Twenty years. It feels unreal.

Can it really be that it was two decades ago that he would hold my hand and walk me to my car (a cherry red 1970 Volvo station wagon) in the Mountain View parking lot after school? When he worked at Papa Murphey's making pizza on Friday and Saturday nights while I baby-sat the Pirkl kids.

It feels impossible that I will be 38 this year. That we have four kids. That two of them are middle schoolers.  That we're done having babies.  That I blinked, and suddenly we have the life I always dreamed of, and now our kids are approaching the ages we were when we met.

No joke, four years from now, the twins will be sixteen.  The same age Josh was when I met him.

It takes my breath away.

I watched our wedding video last Friday (with all the time we have on our hands) and a couple things stood out.

One, we were so young. My god, so young.

Two, we were so confident. So sure of our love.

And three, I was so thin.  And I had no idea.

My takeaway from the reminiscing was that I should fully embrace this moment, because looking back on it later, I will feel fondly for whatever the circumstances are.  I should love this home, this body, this day... because one day it will just be a memory, likely a fond one.  And today's all we got.

***

Josh,

I love you.  
I've known I loved you since about three weeks after I met you, 
and it's only grown deeper since then. 

I love you for teaching me that I can be brave.  That I can take risks.  That I can do something hard when it's the right thing to do. Leaving my church (my home for ten  years) for you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I knew you were the one for me, and that God handpicked you for me. He told me so.

But if I wanted to claim that prize, if I wanted a future with you in it, I had to choose. I had to be brave.  Glennon Doyle says, "Brave means listening to the still small voice inside and doing as it says.  Regardless of what the rest of the world is saying.  Brave implies wisdom...  Sometimes brave means letting everyone else down but yourself."  That is definitely what this felt like.  And I am so glad I was true to myself, to you, to us.

Because look at what we've built.

We could have missed this.

And I'm so glad we didn't.

I love you forever & always.

~Shelly

***

"What a terrible waste of life it is,

to always take the easy path,

to never know what it is 

to risk everything

for what you love."

-Beau Taplin

"You were a risk,

a mystery,

and the most certain thing I'd ever known."

-Beau Taplin

"You are the poem I never knew how to write

and this life is the story I have always wanted to tell."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

***

Singing His Praise

The town we moved to almost a year ago is beautiful. I love where it is, I love the people and I am so grateful to live here.  Nearly all of the friends I've made here also have a relationship with Jesus, which I love, and most (if not all) of them go to church.  That is a big difference from where I lived before, where probably not even half of my friends went to church regularly.

Because of this church-centered community I've moved into, I have felt some of my old issues with the church cropping up. Mostly feelings of shame, not belonging and guilt.

It just so happened that a few months ago there was an event I wanted to attend one evening at a church here in town. There was going to be a speaker I wanted to hear and so I made plans (begged) for Josh to watch the kids so I could go.  The evening came and while I was nervous to be in a church again, I really wanted to hear the speaker, so I forced myself to be brave.

***

Senior Homecoming

A little backstory:

When Josh and I met and began dating during our junior year of high school, my church was against it. It was preached that we (“Christians”) were not supposed to even be close friends with Mormons, let alone date them.  And so I received quite a bit of flack for dating Josh, who was raised Mormon.  After our first few dates, before we became an official couple, I spent a day at the beach with my family.  The timing was perfect as I was trying to figure out just what I was going to do about the predicament I found myself in.  So I spent that sunny spring day sitting on a piece of drift wood at my favorite beach, watching the tide come in and out, contemplating what future I wanted.  (Very cliche, I know, but true nonetheless.)  I prayed, with an open and honest heart for God to reveal His plan to me.  The answer was clear.  I was meant to be with Josh.  He was the one.  Once I had the all clear from Him, I had to deal with everyone else.  My parents were easy, they liked Josh and completely trusted my judgment. My grandparents were also easy.  Grandpa told me that he didn't like the religious animosity that was being preached to me, and Grandma felt that if I had prayed and God had answered, that was good enough for her.

The church, however… well, the church was a different story.  What happened with the church is the most painful event of my young life.  The church and I tried, I will give us that.  I kept attending, stayed involved, but slowly, things changed.  I was turned away when I volunteered for vacation bible school, among other things.  Things I had done for years.  I was no longer called to baby-sit for families I had grown up watching.  It was a slow kind of heartbreak.  I didn't want to leave, but I knew I couldn't stay.  Josh had become a very important part of my life.  I managed to continue attending until fall 2001, just after my senior year had ended.  We had been together a year and half, and I knew Josh wasn't going anywhere.  I had tried, on several occasions, to bring him to the church, to involve him there, where I had grown, and loved, and learned about the Lord.  But somehow it always ended disastrously.  He didn't feel welcome there.  Honestly, by that point, neither did I.

Eventually my mom decided to take things into her own hands.  She couldn't believe some of the things they had been teaching us, and decided to confirm with the pastor that this was our church’s stance on Mormons, whom my mom had always admired as moral, upstanding, family-oriented people.  I begged her not to go. 

 
She talked to the pastor and said to him, “But Shelly prayed. And God told her yes.”  
His response? “Well, that may be.  But we told her no.” 

And so it was that ten years of memories, adventures & friendship ended, breaking my heart and ruining my ability to trust in organized religion.

***

Back to current day-- I did well, but I will admit, walking into a church completely alone and not knowing a face in the crowd was a bit daunting after all these years.  But I persevered.  We gathered in the sanctuary, and the evening began with some praise songs. Almost immediately as everyone around me began to sing, my throat got tight, tears welled in my eyes, and I had to force myself to blink rapidly to keep from losing my composure.

I didn't know any of the words.

That was it. I didn't know the worship songs.

And that undid me.

When I attended church (from ages 8 to 18) I always knew all the songs. Worship music was my thing, and my voice was the gift God gave me.  So to come and stand in a pew, watching the words flash by on the screen and not know the tune or the next verse, felt like I was in a foreign land instead of at home as I should have felt.

Honestly, I started to get angry.  I could have become a worship leader. I could be using my voice for Christ. I could have been a Children's ministry leader, teaching songs about Jesus to children.  I could be standing here, singing with the boldest voice among the crowd.  And instead, I was fumbling, awkward and nearly crying.

Anger, luckily, is not a feeling I am comfortable with.  So I thought, and wrestled with it a bit, and came to the conclusion that being angry is not how I want to feel.

"Bitterness, resentment and anger 

have no place in a heart as beautiful as yours." 

-Lysa TerKeurst 

I finished reading Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst just days before this church event.  This quote really hit home as I stood pondering my predicament with the church's rejection: "If their absence was caused by death, you would grieve their loss.  But when their absence was caused by rejection, you not only grieve their loss but you also have to wrestle through the fact that they wanted this." 

Wow.

That is so powerful and so accurate.  I couldn't just be sad that I lost people whom I had considered family, I also had to face the fact that our separation was exactly what they sought.  TerKeurst follows that truth with this one, "Grace given when it feels least deserved is the only antidote for bitter rot."

So as much as anger and resentment and bitterness tried to well up inside me, I knew, and I've always known, that being bitter is not what will make me feel better.  Grace & forgiveness, gratitude for the years we did have together, and a big deep breath are the only things I can offer this situation that will make it palatable.

I have to admit that I have told myself for years that I deserved to be rejected by my old church when really I didn't.  Thinking I deserved it made it hurt less than knowing I did nothing wrong. Thankfully God's promise to me is that He will draw near to the one who has had her heart shattered and deliver her from exposed grief to victory. Psalm 34:18

So here I am, sixteen years, two big moves, and four kids later, living in victory with my amazing husband by my side.  From these experiences, I've learned there are many ways to serve God and I don't have to attend church to be of value to Him.  I can live this life, singing his praises, even if I don't know the words.

***

Love Yourself

 As I count down the final ten days of the Summer Slimdown Challenge, I am going to be sharing on Instagram & Facebook (and here on the blog) ten Success Snapshots.  They are the ten things that lead to my success in losing twenty pounds in 8 weeks & feeling a whole heck of a lot better about myself.

Today's Success Snapshot is Love Yourself. 

Know that you have value & are beautiful at every weight & shape. I've been joyful at 215lbs. and I've been miserable at 156lbs. The number doesn't matter-- it's how you feel about yourself that matters. 

"You are altogether beautiful, my love. 

There is no flaw in you." 

-Song of Solomon 4:7

 Since starting this journey toward a healthier, trimmer me, I have found that making myself a priority, taking time to eat right and work out, has made me a happier mama as well as a happier wife.  When I take care of me, and love myself where I am, everyone around me benefits.

 Another aspect of my journey has been body acceptance.  No matter how much weight I lose, I will have stretch marks from three pregnancies, multiple c-section scars and a very funny looking belly button thanks to my laparoscopic gallbladder removal.  But after suffering those miscarriages two years ago, I appreciate my body more than ever for the beautiful, healthy babies it's provided and the strong, healthy pregnancies it did sustain.

So wherever you are starting, love yourself.  Love your body for its ability to hear your loved ones say "I love you" and to walk you out into nature.  Love your body for waking you up in the morning and giving you the gift of another day.

***

Love & Leaving

I find a lot of inspiration on Instagram these days and wanted to share a few of my recent favorites.  

I love this one because it's so true for me.  Living & raising our kids without Josh is hard. Very hard.  But being open about the challenges makes it so much easier to bear.

***

This sweet man's story had me crying like a baby.  

"I miss her most at night.  

We got in bed together at the same time every night."

That's the same as me & Josh, and going to bed without him feels so wrong.  It doesn't get easier.  I miss him every night.  I can't imagine missing him & knowing he was gone forever.  At least I know that sometime in the near future we will share a bed again.

What a beautiful love story this guy got to live out...

***

On Friday night I was in our room (which is off of the boys' bedroom) nursing Carly on the couch while Josh put the boys to bed for the last time.  He started with Wyatt, and as I heard him kneel on the floor next to Wyatt's bed, Wyatt said to him, "I'm sorry you have to go back to Alaska tomorrow." 

 ...And the tears started for this mama.  Josh said he was sorry, too.  Then Wyatt asked why Josh can't take Carly with him, and then said he wished I was the one going to Alaska instead of Josh.  He thought on this for a minute, then followed it with, "Actually, I wish  you'd both stay."

Josh's leaving (saying goodbye & preparing the kids for five more weeks without Daddy) this time was especially brutal, leaving us both in tears multiple times.  Let me tell you, I can handle myself being sad... but when Josh is sad? It slays me.  It's almost worse than when the kids are sad because nothing I can say lessens the pain.

When he finally got all three boys tucked in and down for the night, he retired to our room, where I was rocking Carly and said, "It's just not natural.  We're not this kind of family."  He's right.  We aren't built for living apart.  We do it, and to be honest, I think we do it well... but it's sure hard on the heart.  

 "I didn't want to kiss you goodbye, that was the trouble;  

I wanted to kiss you goodnight.  And there's a lot of difference."

-Ernest Hemingway

Hard as this is, little Carly is what makes it all worth it.  She is why we've had to spend this year apart.  Her safe arrival in our arms is the payoff for our hard work.  And as long as it might seem to get from now until May, it's just 13 weeks, and Josh will be home for one more quick visit in March.  So it feels quite doable.  

In the meantime, for February I have one focus: the kids.  Take care of them, homeschool them & get them to swim lessons.  That's it.  Come March, things will get crazier with baseball & t-ball, but for the next two weeks, I just have to take care of our four littles.  Everything else can wait.

{Photo Credit: Wyatt Cunningham}

{Photo Credit: Wyatt Cunningham}

They're pretty awesome, my kids, and they make my days full.   As I approach my stay-at-home-mom-anniversary, I find myself feeling so grateful that this is what I get to do. Yesterday, for example, Wyatt was going around taking pictures of things (his Legos, his sister...) with my Canon and I told him he was a very good photographer.  He stopped and asked, "What's a photographer? Someone who takes pictures that are very goodly?" 

Yes, yes indeed, Wyatt.  

Someone who takes pictures that are very goodly.

;)

And for Josh:

"... You never cross my mind,

Yeah, you stay there all the time."

-Dierks Bentley 

We love you and we miss you.  Happy Valentines Day, 

2,500 miles apart.  

Love,

Shelly, Logan, Jack, Wyatt & Carly

Two More Days...

Josh leaves on Sunday, and tonight I am finding myself to be preemptively sad.  I love having him here so much.  I love falling asleep next to him, sharing our boys with him, doing life with him.  He makes everything better and my days easier.  

I am hopeful that next week, as I adjust to him being gone again, I am able to find little things to smile about.

It Feels Right to be With One Another

I have always thought that Josh was the best thing I ever did in my life.  Choosing him, choosing this life, it's just always felt right, from the very beginning.  The last few days together after being apart for three months has confirmed to me that he is absolutely the best thing I ever did in my life.

Being together reminds me how he makes menial tasks fun, makes me laugh, and always makes my happiness a priority.  He looks out for me, takes care of me, and goes out of his way to make my life easier.  Loading the car, brushing the kids' teeth or rubbing my back-- it doesn't matter what the task is, if he knows it will relieve my burden, he'll happily do it.  

I am so grateful to have such a selfless and loving partner.  To have a co parent who is "all in" through the good and the bad.  To have a soul mate that knows my every thought & loves me regardless.  To have a best friend who knows just when to tell a joke and lighten the mood.

Having him here again is going to make having him gone so hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Because it just feels right to be together.

{quote by Lang Leav}

***

Our Reunion

Saturday Morning:

Our youngest came in at 4:05am, requesting that I lay with him.  I quickly got him settled, praying he'd fall back asleep and not wake his brothers before climbing back into bed myself, luxuriating in the warmth of my bed against the chill of the air in my room.

At 4:30am my alarm went off and I was all systems go.  I jumped in the shower, going as fast as I could, then moved on to doing my hair & make up before getting dressed & putting on my jewelry.  Before I knew it, it was time to leave the house so I could make it the airport in time.  I shut the front door as quietly as I could, hoping the kids would all sleep until I returned and not wake Grandma.

5:15am on a Saturday morning, traffic was a non-issue and I made it to the 205 bridge in no time.  As I headed into Portland, my phone rang.  I answered and much to my surprise, it was Josh.  "Are you here?" I asked him, breathlessly.  

"Yes.  Our pilot said we got here early, so I'm already off the plane and heading to get my luggage.  Wanna just pick me up at arrivals?"

So I continued driving, turning onto the long, tree lined road that heads to the Portland International Airport.  As I passed the giant PDX sign, I thought to myself, "Josh is here. I could be hugging him right now!" I was still in disbelief that all his flights aligned and he was arriving just as we hoped he would, on time (early even!) and would be here for over a week.

I teared up, making the tail lights in front of me wash out in front of my eyes.  As I slowly followed the signs to Arrivals for Alaska Airlines, I saw him.  Walking slowly in his Columbia fleece, back pack on his back, luggage rolling behind him down the sidewalk, there he was.  I immediately pulled over, doing a terrible parking job, threw the car into Park and flew out of the car.  

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.  Then I wrapped my arms around his middle and sobbed into his fleece jacket.  "I missed you so much," I breathed into his chest.  He just stood there, letting me hug him, letting me take him in.  His smell, his smile, his touch.  Ten weeks is too long to go without these things.  Ten weeks is too long to go without love.

~

Emotions about Daddy

On Saturday mornings we FaceTime with daddy.  Some days it goes well, some days the connection is horrible and we end up nothing but frustrated.  I'm grateful for technology, but let's be honest-- nothing's the same as having the one you love here with you.

I have moved out of the crying-every-day stage, and the last two weeks life without Josh has felt "normal".  I was telling him on the phone last night that as nice as it is to not cry everyday, I hate that going to bed alone feels normal.  I hate that taking the twins to their baseball game alone feels normal.  I hate that bedtime stories without Daddy feels normal.

In my low moments (I still have those occasionally... I had one last night...) I think of our brightly colored countdown chain and say to myself, "Who cares? It doesn't even matter.  He'll come visit for a week, and then I'll just start this horribleness all over again."

But you know what? It's worth it.  Even if every visit is followed by two or three weeks of crying... it will be worth it. To have him here.  

To make memories with him, to see him with our boys, to hold his hand.

Right now we let daddy know we love him by sending him care packages.  Boxes filled with sticker-covered notes from little boys and loafs of cheese.  Packages with Seahawks gear lovingly picked out by his sports-loving son and tuna cause I hate that I'm not there to make his meals.

When he's here we can let him know we love him by hugging him (!), by spending time with him, and by sharing our life in Washington with him.  We are all so excited by this prospect!  Wyatt wants to take him to the movies.  The twins want him to come to one of their games.  I want him here for family movie night and at the pool when we swim on Friday night.

This time apart has not been easy for any of us. I don't imagine it's going to get any easier. (Especially after January when #4 has joined us...) But she is exactly what is going to have made this time apart worth it.

That daddy misses his boys,

and those boys miss their daddy...

But when baby girl makes her arrival safely, this time apart will have been worth every second.  

*

To stay connected when he is gone, we talk on the phone everyday.  I talk to him sometimes twice a day.  The boys talk to him pretty consistently every night at bedtime.  Wyatt likes to lay on his bed and rest the phone on his chubby cheek while he tells daddy about his day.  

We also FaceTime, as I said, on Saturday mornings.  

And in between, we send text messages.  Lots of text messages. 

Silly emoji messages,

messages painstakingly typed out by seven year old fingers,

pictures sent by an excited baseball mom,

and videos sent of our little shenanigans 

(reading our first sentences, laughing with our brothers...)

*

For a period of time, Wyatt carried around a tiny Lego my sister created that looks just like Josh.

We call him The Daddy Lego, but Wyatt took to just calling him "My Daddy".  So every once in a while he'll now ask, "Where's My Daddy?" and we all know he's talking about the tiny Lego guy with a baseball cap and jeans on.

My Daddy watched tablets with Wyatt, went to visit Nanny's house with Wyatt and even slept with Wyatt for a while.

The Daddy Lego made Wyatt so happy that I let it be.  Sure, it was a strange attachment, and sleeping with little Legos isn't my idea of "comfort" but it got Wyatt through those first few tough weeks, and for that, I'm so grateful.  Now My Daddy has joined the ranks of all other Lego guys, played with regularly, but returned to the box each night.  I think he was Wyatt's version of the "cry-every-day-phase" and now he's moved on.

We both still miss daddy, sometimes more than others, but we don't feel it quite so acutely as we did in the beginning.

*

Other than missing him, I've spent a lot of the last two months contemplating how much more in love we are than the first time we lived apart.  

The year was 2011.  

Wyatt was 6 weeks old, the twins had just turned three, and my husband was leaving for our Alaska adventure while the rest of us stayed behind to wait for new teacher housing to be built.  I look back on that time (ever grateful for God's infinite wisdom, and the baby he knew I'd need to keep me company in Josh's absence) and think "We barely even knew each other!"

It's a strange thought to have.  

At that point, we'd been together 11 years, married for 8 and had three children!  But it shows me how imperative our time alone in Alaska has been to our marriage.  How challenging and strengthening our four years there have been to our relationship.  Having only each other to lean on for much of those four years taught us to count on each other in ways that we never had before.  

I think at that time (in 2011) I was very immersed in parenting (obviously! with three kids under three) and our relationship naturally took a back burner to the demands of our little boys.

This time (now 15 years into our relationship, 12 into our marriage and our fourth baby on its way), my parenting demands are less overwhelming.  Still stressful, but less intense.  And my closeness to Josh is immeasurable.  My need for him (and his for me) has tipped the charts.  It makes being apart so much harder.  I can't decide if it's because I actually love him more, or if it's just that I'm less distracted by busy children and think about him more...

Either way, it feels good to feel more in love with my husband as the years have passed.  Even if that new depth of love makes the days apart seem longer.

***

Fifteen Years With My Best Friend

In celebration of our fifteen year dating anniversary, I thought I would share 15 facts about us with you.  This is us, Josh & Shelly, in a nutshell.

Junior Prom 2000

1) We met in sign language class in high school.  We were juniors.

2) He walked me 100 miles (slight exaggeration) to my car every afternoon when school let out.  I loved him for it.

Homecoming 2000

3) We wrote love notes like crazy and still own all of them.  I carry 2 of them in my wallet.

4) Our first date was the movies.  He made the first move and held my hand.

Winter Tolo 2001

5) I still remember our first kiss.  And the smell of his hair gel from high school.  Both make me swoon.

6) I knew I could marry him before we'd even been together a year.  He was my soulmate.

Spring Dance 2001

7) We dated two and a half years attending countless dances (homecoming, prom, tolo) and going on countless dates.  On one of our dates he took my on my first and only ferris wheel ride.

Us 2002

8) Josh said, "I love you" first, on May 26th, a mere five weeks after we started dating.  I didn't say I love you back.  I didn't want him to think I was saying it just because he did.

9) Josh proposed on bended knee in Canada & exactly one year later, we were wed.

Engagement pictures 2002

10) Josh and I saved ourselves for marriage.

11) At our wedding I sang, "I Could Not Ask For More" and we walked back down the aisle after the ceremony to "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)".

August 8, 2003

12) We were married five years before we got pregnant and when we found out we were expecting twin boys, Josh said, "They'll be best friends."

13) When we found out I was expecting Wyatt I was hysterical with worry.  Josh held me and said, "But it'll be another little baby!"

August 2011

14) We go to bed at the same time every night. I sleep better with him by my side.  (Sidenote: I went from sharing a room with my sister to sharing a room with my husband.)

15) Josh has made all my dreams come true:
Marrying my best friend; becoming a mother; and being a stay-at-home-mom.

"And I'd choose you;

in a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds,

in any version of reality,

I'd find you and 

I'd choose you."

-The Chaos of Stars